Never Underestimate the Impact of Surprise Encouragement

Kinda cool when you open a surprise pkg like this on a Monday following a week that left you feeling like you can't win for losing in a cpl areas...my sweet friends.  They have a way of  making  my day.  <3

Take Your Best Guess

Never fails. 1st two words this mom hears from her 2 boys when she walks in the door after being gone for a few hours are :: "__'__ <insert space> __ __ __ __ __ __" ...

Take your best guess!!

The New Normal...

Home health care delivery this morning & the pharmacy/clinic I'm now running ...... Waiting for a home health care nurse to get here to help set up equipment, etc. while Ashlyn lies in bed waiting for nausea meds to kick in (just in case) before she gets up & while my boys are on their way to Hilliard for hopefully a fun day (& we wish we were going, too....our old normal). We've always been a team, the 4 of us,  and I rarely took those times for granted.  Regretting the few that I did take for granted now.  I want them back.  Beyond thankful for the friends who are keeping us going...making meals, giving rides, so many things.....but wanting so badly to just do it myself. To be the mom I've always been. To be there with them, being silly and making them laugh, keeping them in line (or trying to) when needed, teaching them, cooking for them....doing pretty much everything for them.  I want to be THAT mama...

There are certain words and phrases that I don't react well to....one of them being our "new normal".  To go from the girl who is never sick & has always been healthy as a horse and to think of this as being our "normal" is hard to accept.  I need to think if it as temporary....

In those boxes are a feeding pump, stand & supplies, and formula (Ensure) for supplementing Ashlyn's diet.  She has lost weight fast since her diagnosis.....she's at a healthy weight for her age & height, but the rate at which she's losing is not good for her strength and energy or overall health.  We're trying to stop the weight loss so that she will feel better and so that her body will have everything it needs to fight as hard as it can!!  New medicines to stimulate appetite, new medicines combined with old to help control nausea and vomitting...SO many medicines!!  If she feels like eating, she can eat whatever she wants to eat.  If she can't eat, we supplement with the g-tube feedings....one can of Ensure for every meal skipped.  Please pray for control over the nausea/vomiting....and the rest of her side effects, more energy and feeling better in general.  A consistent input of nutrients will help with that! Yay for doctors, nurses and dieticians being back-up for mama.....telling her everything I've ALREADY told her!!!  Funny how she doesn't argue with them.... ;)

Yawn.  It's only the middle of the day and Mama needs a nap.  This new temporary normal is exhausting....

My Boys....

Oh, how I'm missed these boys!!!  It felt like they'd never let us out if the hospital so I could see them!!!!

My boys' hugs are awesome. And their smiles when they walk through the door and see me = Mama LOOOOVVVEEEE.  <3

Mama Love

My boys' hugs are awesome. And their smiles when they walk through the door and see me = Mama LOVE. heart emoticon heart emoticon

When Things Don't Go The Way You Planned.....

They finally started chemo at 1:13 am. (Saturday)....my sleeping beauty got up for just a few minutes around 8:00 to brush her teeth, etc.....and was doing ok, got back into bed and had her mama bring her an extra blanket, tuck her in tight with a kiss, and fell back to sleep.  And she sleeps on....

Looking at my calendar at things coming up.....Robert's 13th bday falls right in the middle of her 4th round of chemo.  UGH.  Gonna make the best of it just like Winnie the Pooh says.....but.....

DADGUMMIT.  :'(

*********************************************

SN: I gained much wisdom and love for Winnie the Pooh from an 18 book set of storybooks that I would read to my kids when they were small enough to sit in my lap.....and even when they weren't.  :)  Each book began with "Words of Wisdom" from Winnie the Pooh, and then a story to follow.  We had storytime every night before bed and they would come to me, with their little chubby selves and their cute little faces and excited little eyes.....and have not ONE, but two or three books each in their chubby little hands and often, I would read every single book they brought until I gave out.  ;)  Many times, there was one....or two or three... from our Winnie the Pooh set.  I read them so much, I memorized them.  They were the BEST books and I still quote them today!! ;)  And I still have them....in storage right now, but I think I will hold onto them forever.  I got rid of so many things over the course of two moves, but those books.....they're special.  <3  Smiling now as I think of silly names I've given to things and recipes, and of how many quotes & phrases I use, that came from those books...

My three would fight like crazy over who got to sit in my lap.  Usually one would get there first and greedily climb up and hold on tight so they didn't lose the most treasured seat in the house.  ;)  The other two would sit on each side of me, as close as they could get and they would often have to turn the pages for me because they were leaning in to me so closely that I couldn't move my arms.  And I would read until my throat hurt, with that one in my lap snuggled up tight....his or her head just under my chin, or right beside my face, depending on which one it was, and I could rest my head against their sweet smelling hair while I read.  Chubby little fingers pointing at their favorite pictures and swatting their siblings' hands out of the way.  Little legs wiggling and kicking with excitement when we got to their favorite part.  Mighty and indignant protests if I tried to skip sentences to shorten the story....they had them memorized, too...couldn't pull one over on them!!  Smiles and laughter when I would try, just to pick on them and hear their reactions when I did.  Ahhhhh.....sweet, sweet memories are even better than that good cup of coffee I posted about earlier, but they trigger tears in your eyes and an ache in your heart (and coffee doesn't do that). 

Do you ever think about your most favorite & treasured times and wish you could just go back....just for a little while....and be in those moments again??  For time to stand still while you just....BE STILL in those moments and wish they would go in super slow motion so that you can soak up every drop of them with all of your senses and find a place within you to hold those moments tight and keep them safe so that you never, ever lose them....and can go back to them anytime you want or need to??  Or is it just me and I'm the only one that's weird like that??  Maybe that's why I hold on to those books and always will..... 

"When things don't go the way you plan.....Make the best of it"!  ~ Winnie the Pooh

 

 

Words of Wisdom from Winnie the Pooh.  A very wise bear indeed.  I like him.  And I like that Tigger, too.  I think if you combined the two, you'd have ME.  ;)

 

 

 



Hospitals.  Lots of quiet.  Apparently good for writing.  And processing, filtering, organizing and working my way through the many thoughts battling each other in my head because of the quiet.

It helps. 

Make the best of it.  Any way you can.

Checking In For Round 2....

After a morning of bloodwork & then taking my girl to lunch & killing time waiting for a room, we are all checked in for a 4 day stay at the Wolfson's Efficiency Inn & Suites (Wolfson's Children's Hospital)....

She’s been on IV fluids for several hours and  we're waiting for Chemo Round 2 to begin as I type.  I have to do something to distract myself....this room is TOO QUIET…..so I guess I’ll try to find words for the update so many have been asking for. {added after the fact:  this turned out longer than I expected.  Once I started, I just kept going ;) …..everybody’s got their ways of processing & my way is often in writing. Once I get started.   Read what ya want and leave the rest for someone else J }

Today's lunch was  one of the few things that has tasted GOOD to her.  We have gone through a progression:  Things have tasted metallic....or nothing tasted good and it all just came back up anyway, making her afraid to try to eat anything, to finally having success little by little with small amounts....grits was a hit for a few days.  Then a few backsteps to throwing up everything again....and finally, day after day an appetite returning.  But still , nothing tasted right.  Nothing had flavor.  Nothing tasted REALLY good.  Lunch today....she'd been wanting seafood and I was determined to let her have it before she went back in.....it was GOOD & tasted just like it was supposed to.  We stopped at a few places and it felt ALMOST normal, except that it wasn't and I kept listening for the phone call that would tell me to bring her to the hospital.  She's just started to feel better physically the past several days.  Not my normal Ashlyn and she tires easily, but much better than she was the first week and a half after beginning her first round.....emotionally is another matter altogether.  Driving back here was incredibly surreal....everything about this is surreal.  So completely not wanting to bring her back and make her do this again, and again, and again, and again, and again....and yet having no choice.   I wish God would just go ahead and let me do this for her already….I think I’m already feeling so much of what she is anyway.  I felt sicker and sicker the closer we got…..and sicker now still, just waiting for them to hook up the chemo.  And watching her smile and be sweet to the nurses, giggling at something one of them said….while I know what’s going on in her heart.  And it’s not smiles and giggles.  It’s FEAR.  And anger.  And sadness.  And every other emotion you could possibly imagine she might be feeling.  She’s good at that…..that smiling and being sweet to them….and acting like she’s ok with most people when she’s not.

Ohmygoodness, the multitude of things that flood my mind….one continuous, unending, relentless stream…..one thought after another, competing and fighting for attention and their place at the front….The nice guy who checked us into the hospital smiled as we walked in and immediately said, “You go to FBC, don’t you”?  “Yes, we do”, I replied as I gave him our last name.  He looked at his list of admissions and said, “this is Ashlyn”????  He brought us up to our room, talking the whole way.  I met him on his way going back down and he asked me things he didn’t want to ask in front of Ashlyn.  The last question he hesitated with & stammered around on, wondering about her stage, until I said it was ok….he could ask.  His initial facial expression when I told him….that he quickly tried to cover up,  made my heart skip a beat and made it hard to breathe.  And I smiled and finished the conversation, thanked him for helping me not get lost and for his prayers….and headed back to the garage to get more things from the car.  That garage.  It was far too quiet.  She was fine.  And so stinkin’ hot.  It was just supposed to be an infection.  Easily cleared up.  I walked to the farthest side where I had parked and kept trying to BREATHE.  Deep breaths that just still didn’t seem to give me enough air.  And I couldn’t get my heart to calm down…. Cancer.  Stage 4B in my mind.  She’s never been sick.  Nothing more than a common cold or virus.  It was just supposed to be an infection.  Easy peasy.   Get it cleared up and get on with things.  CANCER.  Stage 4B.  That chart….it only goes to 4C.  FEAR of what if.  That sick feeling that doesn’t go away.  And tears stinging my eyes as I kept walking, trying to breathe and those stupid thoughts….the worst ones kept fighting to be at the forefront.  And I walked….just keep putting one foot in front of the other…. and tried to find my car…something to focus my gaze on.  I wondered where all those OTHER thoughts that are usually there went and tried desperately to find them, to push away the ones that were doing this to me.   Lord knows I’ve got enough other stuff going on that I should be able to find something else to think about…..where’d all those thoughts go???

Funny how what is in reality only moments of time can seem to be neverending and to drag on forever.   And finally, there it was.  I fixed my gaze on the car.  Loaded myself down with everything in it so that I wouldn’t have to make another trip and headed back.  And I thanked HIM for the weight of those bags and blanket and pillows….the weight of carrying more than I should and the pain of several bag handles digging into both my hands & shoulders so that I thought they might fall off.  For the ache in my arms the longer I walked….it’s a long walk from the garage, through the hospital and up to our room.  ;)  With each step taken with that pain, the other pain lessened and the fear lost its grip on me.   And I thanked HIM.  I thanked HIM for never leaving me.  Not ever.

And I got back to the room, took one more deep breath and walked in, Ashlyn giggling at the sight of me loaded down and my silly reaction to my hands screaming at me in pain and then relief when I dropped the bags on the floor.  And I smiled and said how awesome it was that God put yet another person in our path….a guy from church to bring us in today, someone else to tell us he was praying for us.  Talked about how amazing it is that we can see so clearly His hand, guiding us through and how he’s putting so many in our paths, to encourage and love us through them.   And I started unpacking while we giggled and joked about the horrible and disgusting hospital mac & cheese {and everything else served up in here ;) }.  I told her she just didn’t like it because she was spoiled rotten with her mama’s cooking real food and GOOD food ;) , refusing to relent to her persistent “just try it….just ONE bite” while getting out her own blankets because the hospital ones aren’t good enough ;) , organizing all our things while she watched me.  Always watching me.    Always listening.   Always counting on me.   Always trusting me.

Trusting me.  My stomach somersaulted briefly and that fear prickled.  I have to do the right things for her.  I thought about how MUCH I love her, how I would give my life for her…. to save her from this….without a thought or the slightest hesitation.  And that as much as this hurts me and as much as I love her…..HE loves us more.  

????? 

HOW is that even possible???  He has used my kids to teach me more about HIM and His love for me than anything else in my life.   As I love them, He loves me….only better.  And more.  A love like that I can’t even begin to comprehend or understand.  But I can accept it…..and beg Him every day that my kids will, too.   And I pushed those tears away that threaten so often, silently thanking Him.   For giving them to me.  For loving me.  And I asked Him to please….don’t let me mess this Mom thing up. 

They’re my Romans 8:28.  They’re my biggest and best GOOD in the midst of so much that isn’t.

I can't mess this up.

I feel like nearly every breath, every prayer, in my life and on various subjects, begins and end with two words.  "Lord, please.....", with lots of other words thrown in the middle. 

This is just a little glimpse into my day...our day.... as I write and I ramble, trying to make the thoughts be quiet while just outside the window, the sound of cars coming and going over the bridge makes me wonder where all those people are going to, living their lives and doing their thing while we're sitting here in this hospital room, wishing we could go and do....anything else but this.  I wonder how people do THIS without the Lord.  And for those who know the Lord, I wonder what goes in the middle of their "Lord, pleases".   What goes into the middle of your "Lord pleases"??  

If you have a home and someone who loves you and who's there for you....and children who are healthy and happy....please make sure you throw some thank you's in there, too.  Because I'm sitting here waiting for a chemo that I hate to be pumped into my daughter, knowing that when she wakes up in the morning, she's not going to feel good.  And that in the days ahead, she'll feel even worse.  And that her smile that I got a glimpse of today might not make an appearance tomorrow.  And I hate it.  I hate chemo and what it does to her.  But I hate the alternative more.

Lord, please.  Let this work.  Please. 

Motherhood....

"Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest."

Debra Ginsberg

 

Yeah.  

THAT. 

Takin' A Ride In a Li'l Red Wagon...

Been trying for a week to take Ashlyn for a ride in a wagon, but she wld not consent.....she strangely doesn't always find my sense of humor & adventure as amusing as I do!!!

So I'm taking her tokens of love for a ride!!! We have covered all of garage level 3....I didn't park there!!! Let's see what level 2 has to offer us....

Poor kid...has ME takin' care of her...smh

Trip 2....the monkey doesn't get as much of an adventure, but he still made several people smile along the way....

One more should do it & then we'll keep waiting for discharge papers...

#PrayForAshlyn

"We Are The Reason" ~ Avalon

Haven't heard this song in forever!!! Still love it.....don't mind me, just having a li'l worship experience in the hospital room this morning.....& trying to pull a certain someone into it with me ;)

Moms. We can be so annoying. :P

‪#‎PrayForAshlyn‬

Music Speaks....

Hard day for my sunshine....in more ways than just physical. She thinks I'm playing some of my favorites on youtube for ME. The songs that bring peace to my heart & soothe my soul in the most painful of times, the words and truths of God set to music..... music often does things that words spoken in other ways can't. Mamas of teens, and mamas of teens who are faced with something that is so terrifying, have to have a few tricks up their sleeves sometimes.

This is where she finds out what kind of faith she has. This is where it gets real....

‪#‎PrayForAshlyn‬

Let a Little More Sunshine In....

Ashlyn was not up for visitors again today :( , but that didn't stop a few friends from dropping some things off! :)

 

Do you remember my post about Ashlyn, her friend Laura, and their "BFF" that they made while volunteering at VBS last week??  This is a pic of the three of them (above).  Love all the pics she brought....and love me some Laura ♥

Her room is looking more & more cheerful!! And she likes the decorative effect, so I was sure to remind her to always remember :: Mama Knows Best!!! :P

AND....yes, I did hang that HUGE banner all by myself ~~ just call me ElastaGirl !! ;)

#PrayForAshlyn

Blessed ♥

Have my laptop in my lap....care to guess who typed that while sitting beside me, on my right???

And there's someone else that I've been missing like crazy on my left.

And sleeping beauty lies in front of me.....

One Blessed Mama Right Here ♥

Perfect Timing....

Hey. I have a story to tell! I bet you're shocked. ;)

Ashlyn made a friend while volunteering last week at VBS......the mechanical bull operator. She, along with another BFF...sweet Laura,  has affectionately named & called him "Best Friend", brought him snacks & goofed off with him on the days she was there. She has invited him to church several times throughout the week. On the days she had to miss due to her dr's appts, he found... out about Ashlyn's diagnosis and her upcoming surgery. Turns out, his sister just had the same surgery last week for a port and g-tube that Ashlyn is having. Before she left last night, his "maybe" of coming to church turned into he "will" come to church....and that he wanted to keep up with how she is doing.

A coincidence that their paths would coincide?? That she just so happens to strike up this silly/fun friendship at this particular time in her life, on this particular week, that would bring her so much laughter....and meet someone who's sister is going through the same thing at the same time, showing her that she's not the only one?? And that she could, in return, have an impact on him & get him to agree to come to church?? I think not.

God WILL use for good, what Satan means for destruction.....and has perfect timing in the orchestration of who and what He brings into our lives when. He's cool like that.

Romans 8:28

We have a hearing test at Nemours and PET scan at Shands today, and Ashlyn's surgery is tomorrow. They will put in her port and g-tube and might begin her first round of chemo while we're in the hospital, depending on all the test and scan results. She will spend at least one night there......and she asked me on the way home last night, "I'll get to go to church Wednesday night, right?" and got so mad when the answer was "no". "But I'll be out of the hospital in time...."

Love that girl. So much. ♥

‪#‎PrayForAshlyn

Strength for the Weakness

Watching my girl who turns 16 in 20 days sleep on a couch nearby, drinking more coffee....and praying that she'll feel good on her 16th bday, a day she was planning to celebrate surrounded by her amazing friends at camp. If I could have hand-picked her friends, I would have picked the exact same ones she did. ♥ I don't even know what to plan for her :'( ....I was hoping when morning came, maybe ...it wouldn't be true. I don't want it to be..... I want to go to bed, pull the covers over my head and pretend it isn't. Come on coffee....do your thing so I can get movin' on another day.

"Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me." Matthew 16:24

Can I PLEASE carry hers, too?? :'( :'( :'(

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:19-11

Don't feel you have to comment on this one. Just showing I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am.

HE is.

 

The Follow-Up

Update on Ashlyn: We were hit with some pretty hard stuff today and are in for a rough road ahead. I'm having a little trouble seeing the keyboard as I type this.... :'( :'( Going to be specific because I want very specific prayers for my Ashy Mash.....maybe if we're very specific, it'll change something....or give her more strength to get through it... Good news: 80% survival rate The rest... of the news: She is in at least Stage 2B (speculative at this point).....but we still have to see if it has spread anywhere else. Once scans and tests are completed, we will get a confirmation of her stage. We had more bloodwork done today & she will be having many scans and tests done over the next several days: MRI of brain/neck, CT chest scan, PET scan, bone scan, hearing test, panorex(sp?) xray of teeth. The treatment will be very aggressive and intense. She will be receiving a permanent IV and we have an apptmt tmrw for a consult with the physician who will be putting in a chemo port....surgery for that will most likely be Monday. She will be receiving high radiation & chemo treatments that will result in painful mouth sores that will leave her unable to eat, so she will have to have a g-tube. She will also lose her hair. She's going to be a very sick girl as we try to fight this. She will be in pain and will be on several meds to try to counteract the physical reactions of the treatment. The high frequency of the radiation may cause some hearing loss, which might be temporary....or might be permanent. The radiation may also cause a loss of fertility and hypothyroidism. As far as we know now, she will have 3 rounds of chemo, followed by 2 rounds of radiation plus chemo combined and will begin next week. She is scared. And sad. Sad that she can't go to camp. Sad that she can't continue riding lessons.....her happiest place of all... And sad that she can't play soccer. And mad. And all kinds of things.......and I can't blame her. So much suddenly taken now, and threatening to be taken from her future. "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." John 10:10 Please pray for healing and restored health for her. Strength for all of us. And that she....and her brothers, who are also struggling right now....will be able to see & learn & grow through this.....to see for themselves exactly who it is that is responsible for the stealing, killing and destroying....& that in the midst of turmoil, pain and suffering....dreams crushed and stolen, that they would learn to turn to the Giver of Life with it all....who gives so graciously, lovingly and abundantly every step of the way. ‪#‎PrayForAshlyn

The Diagnosis

I've been working my way through my own feelings, then through having to tell each family member and thought that it would be at least a few more days before I was able to share an update with the rest of our world....but she wants me to go ahead and post her diagnosis....one that is still hard to say and I wish would disappear as easily as it does when I hit backspace or delete.

Ashlyn has a form of cancer called Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma. It is very rare, esp. in the US....mostly prevalent in Asian countries. Statistically, only 7 out of 1 million in North America develop this type of cancer. Out of that 7 in a million, it is very rare for children to get it. Also very rare for females to get it. She is in the less than 7 in 1 million people to have this type of cancer in North America. :'( The cancer starts in the pharynx and is very hard to detect....symptoms are identical to common cold or virus symptoms. It spreads to the lymph nodes in the neck, which is when ppl find out they have it. When I took Ashlyn in to first get her checked out, she had one lump in her neck. She now has 3. We have an apptmt. at Nemours on Wed...the next step is to do "lots more scans and tests" to determine if it has spread to any other areas.

Most of you, if you know Ashlyn casually, know her as my sweet, quiet girl. And she is. But, as with all of us, her personality is not one dimensional and there is much more to her than meets the eye. ;) She is also my feisty, sassy, STRONG-WILLED one. People often make that "strong-willed" personality trait into a negative one.....and she has never liked the label. But the Bible tells us that we are all "fearfully and wonderfully made"....and I have taught her, and my other two children that Truth. That when He "knit them together in their mother's womb" and made them so fearfully and wonderfully....that included each and every personality trait and characteristic that makes them who they are. I believe that He made everything for good.....and that the traits in us....in them....in HER, that we struggle with the most are the ones that Satan wants to use to hinder us. Because those traits, when given wholeheartedly to the Lord and when they are submitted completely & repeatedly to Him, are the ones that He will use the most to make a difference in our own lives and in the lives of others. I reminded Ashlyn of that tonight, as I looked into those blue eyes that I love so much and broke her heart with news I didn't want to deliver, in the process breaking mine, too. I reminded her that He made her naturally strong physically....and that her strong will was not given to her by accident. He knew the days ahead of her when He created her.....He knew and equipped her with everything she needs to be victorious in this battle, and every battle that comes her way in the future. I reminded her of that and many other things in my efforts to calm her fears, dry her tears and help soften the blow she didn't see coming. I also told her that she already had people praying for her.....from here in Jax and all over the country, who didn't even know her diagnosis yet. That she has so many that love and care about her and to let them love on her and encourage her, because that is one way that the Lord will love her & give her strength to get through this. She wants those prayers, needs that love & encouragement, and with tears and fear in those sweet blue eyes, she told me to go ahead and tell everyone.

I don't want to hit "post". I don't want to put it out there and have it be true. I want to take it out of her body and put it into mine instead. But I can't. And it is. And I have to. Because she needs the prayers........we all do.

‪#‎PrayForAshlyn

The Ways He Makes Me Laugh

This convo, after listening to Jacob complain for the 10,437 time abt the sun being in his eyes....

Me: "well, ya see....you shoulda worn a BALL cap to the BALL field like me & you wouldn't be havin' that problem. I'm smart like that..."

Jacob: "nah, I cldn't. I was having a good hair day & didn't want to mess it up!!"

I guess I was looking for a reason to laugh cuz his response tickled my funny bone.....I gotta keep him around for a while if, for nothing else, the amusement factor... ;)

 

Love him.

 

 

Just Sayin'.....

This struck a strong chord with me.....Praying for my boys to become MEN.

The Boy Who Will Become a Man...

I just watched the sunlight fade & finally disappear while snuggled up with my "baby" boy, talking about cats & dogs & rabbits....& hard stuff.  Sigh.  We've been through SO MUCH hard stuff for a while now.  And then, as he continued to chatter nonstop about the way the trees looked against the sky & birds & baseball & the beach & something about his favorite app, I prayed that this boy would grow up to be the kind of man that my heart isn't even sure exists in this world today.

 

I wanted to squeeze those prayers right into him, listing all the traits & character & desire for God that I want him to have, to make them take root so deeply that they would become his. I was glad it was dark and he was preoccupied with his own chatter & that my tears that escaped were absorbed by his thick hair & he didn't notice. 

 

I wish there was a guaranteed method to this madness called Motherhood. I wish that even if the kind of man I'm not sure exists DOESN'T exist, that I knew how to make both of my boys become that kind of man anyway.

I wish, I wish, I wish....and more than that, I pray....