Saturday, June 30, 2012

And Here It Begins.....

I don't know how to do this.  And I don't know why I'm writing about it.  Or, maybe I do.  Maybe it's because I can't form the words, can't speak them because they're blocked by the lump in my throat and the pain in my soul.

I just know my heart is breaking and it's hard to breathe.  The tears keep coming, debilitating grief coming in waves, one right after the other until I feel as though I'm going to drown in it.  It subsides for a while and then hits again with a thought, a memory, a song, a smell, a photo......

It's been after me for months.  Coming at me in dreams or at random moments in my days.  Pain that cuts so deeply, it takes my breath away and cuts straight to my core.  Moments where I'm instantly taken back to a moment in time when a child's heart was bruised forever,  moments of anger and fear and instability......memories of times that I thought I had long ago gotten over come unexpectedly and throw me off-balance for days at a time.

And then, just as suddenly, I'm ok again.....for the most part.  I can smile and laugh and be more of the person people are used to me being.  I can go about my days, ignoring the uneasy restlessness that steals the peace in my soul and just won't quite go away.  Until the dreams come back, sometimes moments from long ago relived........sometimes nightmares so real that I wake up shaking, out of breath, my heart beating wildly and my body literally dripping in sweat.  I'm always running from something, frantically trying to escape.....and I just want them to stop.  I beg for them to stop, the pain and the memories, the sleepless nights and the nights of less than peaceful sleep.......but they keep coming back.

It's been escalating since December, coming and going in those unexpected waves.  But I've always been strong, always been able to handle it in the past......"the past is the past & it's time to move on" has worked quite well for me over the years.  Package all those memories up, seal them, and place them out of the way where they belong.......but it seems the box is eroding and can't hold them in and I don't know what to do.

I want to do something about it.  Stay busy.  Get my mind off myself and serve others.  Pray harder.  Spend more time in the Word.  Give it to Him over and over and over again.

But it won't go away.

Take it from me, Lord.  Please.  I don't want it.

And yet, it's here.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  A lack of faith.  A lack of thankfulness from all that He's saved me from.  Something in my life causing Him not to hear my prayers.

I confided in a friend months ago and she suggested that perhaps I'd never really dealt with it, I just keep pushing it down, out of the way, pretending it's not there.  I've never really been healed.  I wasn't sure I wanted to be if it meant struggling with these memories, this very real pain, one more moment.  I pushed it aside, pushed through the ups and downs of the unexpected waves, waiting for the Lord to take this cup from me and  dealt with it the best I know how.  Working out like crazy works quite well for me as an outlet and a way of coping, a way of ignoring this thing that chases me so doggedly.  I was doing good for a while.....until he used my inability to accept my limitations, resulting in an injured ankle, to remove my escape route and it all came rushing back and the cycle started again.

Why won't you take this from me when I'm trying so hard to live for You, to glorify You, to praise You for all You have done for me?

And then, Monday I visited Faith Barista. and her latest two posts left me stunned.  I sat at my laptop and chills ran over my body, tears ran down my face, as I found someone else in the exact same place I've been. I read the posts over and over again, the Lord literally speaking through her words, her story, and I knew I couldn't push it away anymore.  It's time for me to stop running, to let myself feel the pain & feel the hurt for as long as it's time to let Him do what He needs to do to bring me out of this storm and allow the healing to begin.

I didn't know how quickly the next storm was going to hit.  I didn't know how fierce it was going to be.

Tuesday, my Granny was taken to the hospital and I knew.  I've known all along, in the back of mind, in the places I try to ignore, that these memories, this onslaught of reliving painful wounds, was part of getting me ready to lose her.  And I've known that losing her would tear me apart in so many ways and viciously rip the scabs off those wounds that never healed.

The doctors recommended she be moved  to a hospice facility yesterday, and today she is there, rapidly deteriorating.  I can't stop crying.  My eyes are puffy and swollen  Everything in me hurts.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat.  My head is throbbing constantly, so badly that it seems is might explode.  I feel like I'm being torn apart from the inside out.

It's time for her to go, but......

I can't do this.

No words could express what she means to me.  She was the good part.  She was the one who gave me love, unconditional love.  Her home was a safe place, a place to find stability, a place to feel loved.  A haven from explosions of  anger and screaming, fighting and things being thrown, harsh words being thrown around like toy balls with no thought of the harm being done, a place to find rest from my out-of -control world.  She gave the happy memories.  God loved me though her until I found my way to Him.

I can't do this.

But there's no stopping it.

And so, here I am.  Hurting and scared to death.  Scared of saying goodbye.  Scared of letting go.  Scared of what's going to come at me after my mind makes its way through the good memories surrounding her.

And here it begins.

Ready or not.  And I'm so completely not.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Multitudes on Mondays....Gifts 388 - 415

“One of life's gifts is that each of us, no matter how tired and downtrodden, finds reasons for thankfulness: for the crops carried in from the fields and the grapes from the vineyard.”

~ J. Robert Moskin

Getting back to my list......not that I ever stopped making one.....just haven't been posting it. :)

388.  Summertime.....sweet Summertime, and all the gifts that come with it

389.  Sweet Georgia peaches.....are manna from Heaven ;)

390.  Watermelon.....I like it more than a little ;)

391.  Vitamin D Beach Therapy....of which I cannot seem to get enough of this year ~ I'm craving it the way I used to crave chocolate

392.  Living in the Sunshine State.....which makes feeding that craving a reality on a regular basis

393.  Grab a hair band, tie that hair up & throw on your bathing suit kind of days

394.  Those stretch marks that get more noticeable the more time I spend in the sun, not because they look so lovely, but because of...

395. The three precious gifts that are the reason they're there ♥

396.  Friends who go with me, and who make me.....

397.  Laugh, and who....

398.  Talk with me,

399.  Act silly with me, 

400.  Encourage me, and

401.  Put a smile not only on my face,

402.  But in my heart as well ♥

403.  Little mementos that remind me of their friendship, like.... 

404.  Shark's teeth, given to me after I whined that I never find them although I search intently when other people randomly look down and pick them up....followed by my friend randomly looking down and finding not one, but two { "Here", she said.  "Just pretend you found them!  I won't tell anyone you didn't!"  ;) }

405.  Time for things like those beach dates, and....

406.  Lunch dates,

407.  Shopping dates (even if no actual shopping gets done!),

408.  Play dates, and

409.  Dinner dates

410.  Time for things  like afternoon movies curled up on the couch,

411.  Sleeping in a little later,

412.  Moving a little slower,

413.  Breathing a little easier, and

414.  Savoring every memory, every moment.....because our days from Aug. - May go by  too rushed, too hurried, too busily, too frantically,  and....

415.  Days like these truly are something to be treasured ♥.....I'm quite sure of it! ;)

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Draw Me Nearer, Lord

So, here I am.  After a very long blogging sabbatical. ; )  I've been here many times over the past few months  as I've tried desperately to find balance in this crazy, frenetic, stressful, busy, overwhelming.....and abundantly blessed life I've been given.  As much as I've tried to walk away & leave my bloggy world, I find that I keep missing this outlet of mine.....this outlet of expression through the art of written words that is very much a part of who I am.   I've got four posts sitting in draft and as I peruse my lists of blogs that I follow and stalk ; ) on this ease-into-the-day Saturday morning while I listen to my favorite songs on YouTube, I keep hitting "replay" on one in particular.

And it just so happens to be.....

It just seems fitting to make my return to one of my outlets with a song.  As I've searched and attempted to find balance in so many ways, the Lord never fails to speak to me loudest through music.  As the multitude of obligations & stresses that find my way into my life shout and tug and pull at me daily, He is constantly pursuing me, encouraging me, calling me to Him, reminding me of His promises and never-failing love through  His Word put to music.  Who am I to deserve a love like that.......faithful, true, steadfast and unwavering even when I am not always so?  I am constantly humbled.....and ever thankful to the point of being speechless.

And so, this morning, and during this summer in which I've determined to take time to breathe deeply, rest fully, laugh & play as often as possible, and to find my footing on this ever-shifting sand, I offer this song back to Him........because I am thankful, and because I know that the closer I am, the more I draw nearer to Him ~ there is where I will find the gift of peace for my soul that is just waiting for me to take the time to experience it.

And, as a side note, I hope when I get to Heaven, I can sing like Meredith Andrews.....until then, I'll just belt it out with her & pretend that I do! ; )

♪♫For your nearness, Lord, I hunger
For your nearness, Lord, I wait
Hold me ever closer, Father
Such a love I cant escape

For your nearness, I am hoping
For your nearness, Lord, I long
Have no need of any other
I have found where I belong
Yes, I have found where I belong

So draw me nearer, Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer, Lord
Draw me nearer, Lord

In your nearness, there is healing
What was broken,, now made whole
Restoration in its fullness
Lasting hope for all who come

In your nearness, I take shelter
Where you are is where I'm home
I have need of only one thing
To be here before your throne
To be here before you throne

So draw me nearer, Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer, Lord

So draw me nearer, Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer, Lord
Draw me nearer, Lord

And keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
So keep me here, keep me here
There's nowhere else I rather be
There's nowhere else I rather be

So draw me nearer, Lord
Never let me go
Closer to your heart
Draw me nearer, Lord
Draw me nearer, Lord
Draw me nearer, my Lord ♫♪