A few of my keys to surviving the storms of life &, getting through them well:: prayer, unshakeable faith, holding onto God's promises like a pit bull ;) , and a CONSTANT input of scripture & positivity.
This is one quote that I would pull up on the hardest of days. Choosing to believe that one day....I wouldn't have to read it while saying "I hope so" and "God....PLEASE".
There are still hard days. Single mom life isn't for the weak of heart & spirit. But, now....this quote makes me smile. Better days & better things than what we've had & what we've left behind.... are pretty flippin' AWESOME!!!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
After a morning of bloodwork & then taking my girl to
lunch & killing time waiting for a room, we are all checked in for a 4 day
stay at the Wolfson's Efficiency Inn & Suites (Wolfson's Children's Hospital)....
She’s been on IV fluids for several hours and we're waiting for Chemo Round 2 to begin as I type. I have
to do something to distract myself....this room is TOO QUIET…..so I
guess I’ll try to find words for the update so many have been asking for.
{added after the fact:this turned out
longer than I expected.Once I started,
I just kept going ;) …..everybody’s got their ways of processing & my way
is often in writing. Once I get started.Read what ya want and leave the
rest for someone else J}
Today's lunch was one
of the few things that has tasted GOOD to her.
We have gone through a progression: Things have tasted metallic....or nothing tasted good and it all just came back up anyway, making her afraid to try to eat anything, to finally having success little by little with small amounts....grits was a hit for a few days. Then a few backsteps to throwing up everything again....and finally, day after day an appetite returning. But still , nothing tasted right. Nothing had flavor. Nothing tasted REALLY good. Lunch today....she'd been wanting seafood and I was determined to let her have it before she went back in.....it was GOOD & tasted just like it was supposed to. We stopped at a few places and it felt ALMOST normal, except that it
wasn't and I kept listening for the phone call that would tell me to bring her
to the hospital.She's just started to
feel better physically the past several days.Not my normal Ashlyn and she tires easily, but much better than she was the
first week and a half after beginning her first round.....emotionally is
another matter altogether.Driving back
here was incredibly surreal....everything about this is surreal.So completely not wanting to bring her back
and make her do this again, and again, and again, and again, and again....and
yet having no choice.I wish God would just go ahead and let me do
this for her already….I think I’m already feeling so much of what she is
anyway. I felt sicker and sicker the
closer we got…..and sicker now still, just waiting for them to hook up the chemo.And watching her smile and be sweet to the
nurses, giggling at something one of them said….while I know what’s going on in
her heart.And it’s not smiles and
giggles.It’s FEAR.And anger.And sadness.And every other
emotion you could possibly imagine she might be feeling.She’s good at that…..that smiling and being
sweet to them….and acting like she’s ok with most people when she’s not.
Ohmygoodness, the multitude of things that flood my mind….one
continuous, unending, relentless stream…..one thought after another, competing
and fighting for attention and their place at the front….The nice
guy who checked us into the hospital smiled as we walked in and immediately
said, “You go to FBC, don’t you”?“Yes,
we do”, I replied as I gave him our last name.He looked at his list of admissions and said, “this is Ashlyn”????He brought us up to our room, talking the
whole way. I met him on his way going back down and he asked me things
he didn’t want to ask in front of Ashlyn.The last question he hesitated with & stammered around on, wondering
about her stage, until I said it was ok….he could ask.His initial facial expression when I told him….that
he quickly tried to cover up, made my
heart skip a beat and made it hard to breathe.And I smiled and finished the conversation, thanked him for helping me
not get lost and for his prayers….and headed back to the garage to get more
things from the car.That garage.It was far too quiet. She was
fine. And so stinkin’ hot.It
was just supposed to be an infection. Easily cleared up.I walked to the farthest side where I had
parked and kept trying to BREATHE.Deep
breaths that just still didn’t seem to give me enough air.And I couldn’t get my heart to calm down…. Cancer.Stage 4B in my mind.She’s
never been sick.Nothing more than a
common cold or virus.It was just
supposed to be an infection.Easy
peasy.Get it cleared up and get on
with things.CANCER.Stage 4B.That chart….it only goes to 4C.FEAR
of what if.That sick feeling that doesn’t
go away.And tears stinging my eyes as I
kept walking, trying to breathe and those stupid thoughts….the worst ones kept
fighting to be at the forefront.And I
walked….just keep putting one foot in
front of the other…. and tried to find my car…something to focus my gaze
on.I wondered where all those OTHER
thoughts that are usually there went and tried desperately to find them, to
push away the ones that were doing this to me.Lord
knows I’ve got enough other stuff going on that I should be able to find
something else to think about…..where’d all those thoughts go???
Funny how what is in reality only moments of time can seem to be
neverending and to drag on forever.And
finally, there it was.I fixed my gaze
on the car.Loaded myself down with
everything in it so that I wouldn’t have to make another trip and headed
back.And I thanked HIM for the weight
of those bags and blanket and pillows….the weight of carrying more than I should
and the pain of several bag handles digging into both my hands & shoulders so that I
thought they might fall off.For the
ache in my arms the longer I walked….it’s a long walk from the
garage, through the hospital and up to our room.;)With each step taken with that
pain, the other pain lessened and the fear lost its grip on me.And I thanked HIM.I thanked HIM for never leaving me.Not ever.
And I got back to the room, took one more deep breath and
walked in, Ashlyn giggling at the sight of me loaded down and my silly reaction
to my hands screaming at me in pain and then relief when I dropped the bags on the
floor.And I smiled and said how awesome
it was that God put yet another person in our path….a guy from church to bring
us in today, someone else to tell us he was praying for us.Talked about how amazing it is that we can
see so clearly His hand, guiding us through and how he’s putting so many in our
paths, to encourage and love us through them.And I started unpacking while we
giggled and joked about the horrible and disgusting hospital mac & cheese {and
everything else served up in here ;) }. I told her she just didn’t like it because she
was spoiled rotten with her mama’s cooking real food and GOOD food ;) , refusing to
relent to her persistent “just try it….just ONE bite” while getting out her own
blankets because the hospital ones aren’t good enough ;) , organizing all our
things while she watched me.Always
watching me.Always listening.Always
counting on me. Always trusting me.
Trusting me.My
stomach somersaulted briefly and that fear prickled.I have
to do the right things for her.I thought
about how MUCH I love her, how I would give my life for her…. to save her from
this….without a thought or the slightest hesitation.And that as much as this hurts me and as much as I love her…..HE loves
us more.
?????
HOW is that even possible???He has used my kids to teach me more about
HIM and His love for me than anything else in my life.As I love them, He loves me….only
better.And more.A love like that I can’t even begin to comprehend
or understand.But I can accept it…..and
beg Him every day that my kids will, too.And I pushed those tears away that
threaten so often, silently thanking Him.For giving them to me.For loving
me.And I asked Him to please….don’t let
me mess this Mom thing up.
They’re my Romans 8:28.They’re my biggest and best GOOD in the midst of so much that isn’t.
I can't mess this up.
I feel like nearly every breath, every prayer, in my life and on various subjects, begins and end with two words. "Lord, please.....", with lots of other words thrown in the middle.
This is just a little glimpse into my day...our day.... as I write and I ramble, trying to make the thoughts be quiet while just outside the window, the sound of cars coming and going over the bridge makes me wonder where all those people are going to, living their lives and doing their thing while we're sitting here in this hospital room, wishing we could go and do....anything else but this. I wonder how people do THIS without the Lord. And for those who know the Lord, I wonder what goes in the middle of their "Lord, pleases". What goes into the middle of your "Lord pleases"??
If you have a home and someone who loves you and who's there for you....and children who are healthy and happy....please make sure you throw some thank you's in there, too. Because I'm sitting here waiting for a chemo that I hate to be pumped into my daughter, knowing that when she wakes up in the morning, she's not going to feel good. And that in the days ahead, she'll feel even worse. And that her smile that I got a glimpse of today might not make an appearance tomorrow. And I hate it. I hate chemo and what it does to her. But I hate the alternative more.
Haven't heard this song in forever!!! Still love it.....don't mind me, just having a li'l worship experience in the hospital room this morning.....& trying to pull a certain someone into it with me ;)
I just watched the sunlight fade & finally disappear while snuggled up with my "baby" boy, talking about cats & dogs & rabbits....& hard stuff. Sigh. We've been through SO MUCH hard stuff for a while now. And then, as he continued to chatter nonstop about the way the trees looked against the sky & birds & baseball & the beach & something about his favorite app, I prayed that this boy would grow up to be the kind of man that my heart isn't even sure exists in this world today.
I wanted to squeeze those prayers right into him, listing all the traits & character & desire for God that I want him to have, to make them take root so deeply that they would become his. I was glad it was dark and he was preoccupied with his own chatter & that my tears that escaped were absorbed by his thick hair & he didn't notice.
I wish there was a guaranteed method to this madness called Motherhood. I wish that even if the kind of man I'm not sure exists DOESN'T exist, that I knew how to make both of my boys become that kind of man anyway.
I wish, I wish, I wish....and more than that, I pray....
Sometimes just the right song comes on at just the right time.....like when you're sitting in your vehicle waiting on your young-un, feeling exhausted & numb from a really hard afternoon, following a really hard weekend, following a really hard week...... :'(
I thought this post was going to be the beginning of something.....and it was. Just not what I thought....I thought I was going to write my way through a journey of mine, here. It turns, out, however....that now is not the time or place due to circumstances beyond my control. I will write about it someday....maybe here, maybe in another blog, perhaps anonymously. Or maybe, if I wait until a safer time, I won't have to be anonymous. For now, it remains to be seen....waiting for it. In the meantime, feel free to visit and follow my Pinterest board on the subject....sharing in the hopes that it will help you find Strength for your journey, too. <3
I'm sitting here in a house that was my haven, curled up with a blanket that I remember seeing laying on top of my Granny the last time I saw her. In the dark, alone, and I can't stop crying. In the living room, looking out the front window, through the sheer curtains, to the moonlit front yard beyond. Looking at the massive, dark, shape of the magnolia tree....overgrown and luminous in the dark, its presence making all the other trees in the yard look like lightweights in comparison. Sleep eludes me once again, and worn and weary doesn't even begin to describe me at the moment. A dream woke me up, like so many times recently, and I can't find my way back to sleep again. I wish I wasn't alone.....and know I'm not. I never am......He is here with me, listening and reminding me of scriptures and Truths, but I wish someone, a person, was here with me. One of the ways He loves us is through His people after all, and I wish someone was with me now, to hold my hand, to pray with me.....to just be a comforting presence. But I'm here in the dark, on a couch I've sat on so many times before, with the shapes and forms of familiar furniture and household things keeping me company, crying tears as quietly as I can.
And thinking, thinking, thinking......thinking through dreams and so many things that crowd and clutter my head and burden my heart. He hears all my thoughts, because in all that thinking, I'm talking to Him......and I know that He sees each and every tear. The phrase of Him collecting them all in a bottle keeps going through my head, as that phrase has kept popping up here and there recently, seeing and reading it so many times.
Thinking about all the things I've said to Him the past few months. Conversations I've had with God, whispered prayers, pleas and cries that go something like this:
I don't want his, Lord....please make it stop. Please take it from me.
I am here.
I know You're here, but I don't want this, Lord. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to think about this anymore. I want to laugh and giggle and smile and be silly. I want to go and do.....and serve....and be happy. I have so much to be happy about. Please, please take it.
I am here.
Why aren't you listening??? Please take this....all of it. I don't want it. I don't have time for this, don't have time to feel this way. I have no right to feel this way. Are you even listening???
I am here. Right here, with you.
You're not listening. Why aren't you listening??? I am no good to You this way. No good to my family. No good to my friends. What is the point of this?? Please, please, please......take it.
I am here. I am listening. I have not left you.
Sigh. I don't know what to do, Lord. I don't know why You're not taking it. What am I doing wrong? I can't keep feeling this way, can't keep going with all of this inside of me.
You don't have to.
Don't You understand how much this hurts?? That I can't even speak the words, that I can't even find them when people ask me what's wrong?? I keep trying to give it to You. I can barely even pray. I pray the same thing over and over and over again......when I can even manage to get the words out. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???
Write. I didn't show you how to do it for nothing.
I have. I have journaled. Or I have tried to. I have tried to write, tried to channel my thoughts and feelings, tried to do something with it.
Privately. Who told you to make it private?
Ummmmmm, NO. That's not what I put so much work into my blog for. NO. No one wants to hear my story or listen to me whine. NO.
I've never told my story before......only to a select few. A very select few. I don't like to go there, don't like to go back. Going back is uncomfortable. It hurts. I can tell you about when I was saved. I can tell you details about my life after my salvation. But I don't go back. I've never seen the point, never been willing to go there........and dread and avoid situations in Christian circles where they want you to tell your testimony. I begin with my salvation and move forward.....and people look at me like, that's it?? Yes.....that's it. Nothing here to tell. Nothing exciting or dramatic in comparison to some. Move on now. It's always made me so very uncomfortable. I just don't go there. I change the subject. Or find something to laugh at. Or ask someone a question that shifts the focus off of me and gets them talking about something else. Anything else. I hate to have the focus on me.
Although I'm trying with all my might, I'm not being very successful at talking Him into taking this from me, at pushing, pushing, pushing it away. At least one thing is clear. There's something I'm supposed to do with it. Because if He has me here in this place, for this long, and He won't take it from me, there must be a reason. A reason and a purpose and an outcome I can't see.
Last year was the worst year I can remember having and I can't have another year like that one. I don't want to be here, but I am......and it hurts in way, it hurts so deeply, that I don't know if I could ever find the adequate words to describe it. But I have faith that He will bring me through it, that He will help me find my place of rest.....and just like so many times before.....just like when I look back on those memories I push away because they hurt too much and yet can see through the pain how He worked it all out for good.....I know that He will work this for good, too.
And if I have to be here despite my best efforts not to be, then I want Him to use it. Even if it means saying yes and exposing more of myself than I am comfortable with in a way I've fought so long and hard not to.
Maybe, like me, you don't know exactly how you got where you are. Maybe life was already making you a little weary and the weariness of life and current day worries and stresses collided with events that shook your world during one summer in a way that left you reeling......that collision bringing with it memories that assaulted you with a breathtaking, gut-wrenching pain you didn't know existed. Memories that caused feelings to surface that you thought had long ago been settled....bringing forth emotions that you didn't even know were there within you, just waiting to be excavated and brought to the surface. And well-meaning people look at you curiously and ask what's wrong & those who know a little tell you not to lose your faith and to pray and to give it to the Lord......and you look at them and tell them you'll be fine, that you're just going through a stressful time. You smile and say "thank you" and you want to get them to see that you haven't lost your faith at all. That you have been praying. Not the long, intense, deep and eloquent prayers that used to come easily, but the broken, fragmented cries of the heart, the constant wonderings and ponderings and pleas, the praying you pray from your soul all day long without ceasing, broken fragments and uneloquent at times, but constant all the same. You want them to understand that you haven't lost your faith......that it is clinging to your faith that is all that is getting you through. Maybe you've started wondering if something is wrong with you, if you've done something wrong and there's something you need to make right with the Lord and then it will all go away. And you search your heart, each and every part, looking for what it could be.....and you feel so very confused and alone. Maybe you need to know that you're not alone, that you're not the only one who has ever felt this way......and that there's nothing wrong with your faith. That you can have a rock-solid, unwavering faith and still feel the way you do.....but it's just what you're walking through. And what you're walking through is not who you are. I have a precious friend that has reminded me of that more than once. (Thank you).
Maybe it's time for me to stop fighting, stop arguing and reasoning with the Lord and pushing it all away when He's obviously not wanting me to yet. Maybe it's time to allow myself the right to feel the pain that I feel and stop telling myself I don't have a right to it because my story is not as dramatic and traumatic as some. To allow myself the right to cry and feel it and stop using my genuine and overwhelming thankfulness for what He has done for me, for what could have been but wasn't because He spared me, as justification for my conviction that I don't have a right to feel this way, don't have a right to the level of hurt that I feel. Maybe it's time for me to tell my story in the way that I know best....to write....because pushing it away isn't working very well and I've got to do something with these thoughts and feelings that plague me.
Maybe, just maybe, there's healing in the telling, and the hope of healing is enough to make me surrender. I don't understand, but......
I'm ready to let Him have His way.
(You can disable/mute the auto music player at the bottom of the page so as not to interfere with the video.)
As I read through a litany of posts at those shocked and appalled by the election results....I kept thinking, "really?!?!" Disappointed ~ I get, even concerned....but shocked....are you really?? Sadly proves how lulled to sleep God's people have become, how much in denial or how ignorant of the time in the Story of the World we have been CHOSEN to live in. Times are hard and will get harder; rise up, wake up, and stand up PEOPLE OF GOD. Be prepared to stand as His Remnant regardless of what comes in the days ahead ~ your strength, hope, peace and future resting solely in HIM. Put on the whole armor of God and rest assured in Knowledge of the Truth at the End of the Story.
Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” ~ NKJV
Our Hope does not rest in the world in which we live......live like it. Stand for what we believe, but don't let your behavior be as those of the world. We are called to fight & stand for what's right till the end, but remember that hatefulness has no place in His army. Don't forget that we are just strangers passing through on our way to our Eternal Home. We are here because we have a Job to do; accept the challenge, the CALLING, and just do it.
1 Peter 2:11 "Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it." ~The Message
♪♫ All I know is I'm not Home yet, this is not where I belong; Take this world and give me JESUS; This is not where I belong..."♫♪
Praise the Lord in the TRUTH of those words, in the hard times, in the hardest of times that are most likely to come. Keep your eyes and hearts focused on that End of the Story. What a day that will be....what a beautiful thing to rest our hopes in, and what a joyous Homecoming we will have!!
1 Peter 1:3-5 " Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith for salvation ready to be revealed in the last time."~NKJV
~ I also love 1 Peter 1:3-5 from The Message "What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we’ve been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you’ll have it all—life healed and whole."
Giving thanks in all things, even in the hardest of times, even when it hurts....in defiance of the enemy ~ because the one who seeks to render me useless, the one who wants to destroy my peace and steal my joy ~ doesn't want me to. It's in the giving of thanks for each gift the Lord gives me & of praising Him in the storm that He keeps me going when I'm so weary of the things that weigh me down & keep me up at night, that keep me from giving in completely in many areas when I really, really want to.
388. for Pumpkin Pie Spice coffee creamer ~ I like it; it's yummy ;)
389. the smell of Cinnamon Cookies baking 390. for cooler days & the sound of my children playing outside, wanting to squeeze each moment they can out the daylight.....and even the moonlight. "But Mom, it feels soooooooo good out here! Can't we play hide and seek in the dark???" (yes, I let them) 391. for the warmth of the sun.....life's been so busy, I haven't taken the time to enjoy it. I sat outside for just a bit the other day and let warmth of the soothing rays wash over me. I wish I could have stayed there for a very long time, but even just a few moments was enough to make me breathe a prayer of thanks. 392. for my children and they way they love me, the way they think I'm awesome and wonderful and amazing in spite of the fact that I feel I'm letting them down, not living up to who I want to be for them.
393. for the FRIENDS who distract me with their everyday, normal conversations about life, our children, homeschooling, curriculum, cooking & what's for dinner, choir, making me feel ~ even just for a little bit ~ that all is well with me ......while having no idea of the depths of emotions I am feeling & the inner struggles I am facing.
394. for the FRIENDS who do know I'm struggling and never cease to bring out a giggle, a laugh, a smile with their silliness and goofiness........it comes naturally to them, and ~ just for a little bit ~ it feels natural to me again, too. I think they do it on purpose sometimes.
395. for the FRIEND who also makes me smile & laugh.....but can see past the smile, past the laugh or giggle, past the many ways I try to distract myself and those around me, past the "I'm fine's" and "I'm good's" even when I'm putting on a good performance......to the heart of who I am. It unnerves me sometimes, but oh, how thankful I am for her.
396. a much appreciated, much needed and much unexpected hug from another friend. She said that she didn't know what it was, but she knew something was going on with me and she wanted to give me a hug and let me know she was praying for me. "You said those exact words to me once and gave me a hug, so now I'm doing it for you". I had completely forgotten about that, but she didn't. I'll never forget her hug, either.
397. a FAITH IN MY GOD that holds strong in spite of whatever comes my way, perhaps the one thing in life I will never doubt, who is my one constant, who is forever faithful, who is good in all things, whom I trust when I can trust no one else. I may not understand, I may cry out in hurt, in confusion, in desperation, even in anger. I may stumble, I may fall, I may question so MANY things, but my faith in Him and who He is will never waiver. Even if my questions are never answered......even the healing doesn't ever come.......until the day that my faith shall be sight, the day I am made complete & the day He wipes the tears from my eyes with His own healing hands and I will never hurt again.
I haven't been able to write for months. I come here, I browse blogs, I browse my own and contemplate writing something. I click on "new post" and stare at a blank page, then log off. I grab a pen and notebook and stare at another blank page, praying that the words would come, that I could somehow express what's going on within, then close it and put it back on the shelf.
People want me to talk about things that I can't talk about, or don't want to talk about, things that it hurts to talk about, and they don't understand that I wish I could find the words, but I can't get them out past the lump in m throat, past the pain in my chest, past the aching tension and tightness that extends throughout my core. I wish I could talk, wish I could write, wish and hope and pray for some outlet for the things that even I don't understand, don't want to think about, and don't know what to do with. I've never been in a place quite like this before.
I've always had a song to sing, but I can't find my joy. I can't seem to find a way to connect the words to my heart the way they always just have naturally. I force it when I have to, when I'm obligated to, but I don't want to have to force it. What do I do when the words won't come, when I can't find my song......when I don't know what to do?
Sometimes, He'll send me one....He'll call to me in a song, when I think He's forgotten, when I think no one understands, when I feel so very alone..... and the words hit that place just where I am. It's not even the first time I've heard it, but it's the first time I've really heard it. I heard the story behind the song, and it caused my ears and heart to tune in. And as tears fall and nothing has changed, and I'm still in that very same place that I was before, He says to me, softly and quietly, whispering words of comfort to a tired and confused and weary heart, "You're not the only one who's been in this place.....and you're not so alone".
And in the hours of the night spent when sleep won't come, and in the moments of both the day & night when I feel so overwhelmed & incapable & unsure of everything........like so many times before, I've got a song that becomes my prayer.
