Friday, January 25, 2013

Worn, Weary....and in Need of Rest

I'm so very tired, and yet I'm awake. I sleepwalk through most days, sure that I'll collapse into bed each night and sleep blissful, the whole night long.

I can't remember the last time I actually did that. Why do the thoughts & memories & hurts that I keep giving to the Lord continue to come back to haunt me? This is the question I'm asking of Him tonight as I lay awake, tossing this way and that, trying to push the thoughts from my mind until I can't take it anymore.....and I find myself here. I had let this go.....had let my domain renewal lapse, determining to let this part of me that can put the things I'm thinking and feeling into written words when I can't find the adequate words to speak....go. I had determined I was done here. No words left. Or maybe, in the middle of the night when I can't sleep yet again, there are some left after all.

I've asked the same question so many times over the past year....."Why do the thoughts & memories & hurts that I keep giving to You continue to come back to haunt me?"  I ask again and again, I give it all to Him again and again.....and find it right back in my lap before I know what has hit me or what I have done to put it back there. I just want to REST.  Sweet, peaceful, contented......Rest. I pray for Rest for my body.....and soul, the kind of rest that I haven't had in what seems like such a very long time. I beg for it desperately and can't seem to find it, and wonder, wonder, wonder....what I'm doing wrong.

I honestly don't know.

I know that I'm tired.  Worn out.  And I'm tired of being tired and word out. There's a big part of me that's broken.  And I desperately need Him to fix it.  Desperate enough to post this post, or maybe just so tired in the middle of the night that I'm delirious & I've lost good judgement and common sense.  Desperate enough to be blatantly transparent and to ask for prayer.   I'll probably regret it in the morning. ;)

I'm leaving tomorrow (or actually, today)  to take a weekend trip that I'm dreading so completely. I don't want to go. I have to be strong and do the right thing and I have to go, but I feel so weary. Never in my life have I felt such weariness and after an emotional week, I'm afraid I can't handle it.  I'm afraid I can't be strong enough and hold back the tears and emotions for those I want to be strong for.

I know His peace and the Rest I pray for will come in His perfect timing.

Please, Lord, let it be soon.  I'm ready.

(You can disable/mute the auto music player at the bottom of the page so as not to interfere with the video.)


Brenda said...

Hey's been s long since I visited your blog. I'm so sorry for your weariness and struggle. I think of you all the time and wish we were closer! I'm praying for you and thinking of you.

Jeremiah 31:25 - For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.

I love you, my friend.

Jill {Sweet Diva} said...

Thank you, my sweet Friend Brenda.....I think of you all the time, too. VLoce you still and always will. <3

Madonna said...

I found your blog through an older meme post so I don't know whats going on in your life but I wanted to just encourage you to hang on. I spent most of last year so weary and soul tired. I just wanted the Lord to come and come quickly. I cried, I prayed, I begged, I was anointed at church then one night in late November it all was healed suddenly. I have had a couple moments since then but I remember myself of what I learned about God and my walk with Him that night. I will be praying that you find your resting place.

Jill {Sweet Diva} said...

Thank you so much, Madonna, for sharing and taking the time to comment and offer encouragement. I will def. keep hanging on and trusting that the healing and rest will come in His perfect timing.....and hoping that my need to have an outlet & writing abt what I'm going through will encourage someone else. Sometimes it just helps to know you're not the only one. :)

Bonnie Gray said...

Dear Jill, I remember reading your post last year, when you took your first steps to investigate all that was wearing on your heart and body. It was happening at the same time to me. This is not an easy journey that you and I are on. Rest is definitely a journey God is calling us to surrender to, in the fog of sleeplessness. Thank you for taking the time to write and share in the faith jam, even as our body and your soul is under hardship, as so is mine. :) Let us continue to ask for courage to give honor to what our bodies and hearts are telling us and lift each other up on this journey. *hugs*