Monday, July 2, 2012

How Can I Help You to Say Goodbye

She's gone.

At 7:00 this morning, my mama called and I knew as soon as I heard her ringtone.

She died at 10:00 last night in her sleep and I didn't know when I saw her three weeks ago that I'd never see her again.  I sat on the phone and tried to reign in the emotions that hit me,  tried to tell my mama that I was ok and not to worry.  She's worried about me driving up there and wishes I was already there.  She's waiting on me to get there to go buy a new outfit for my Granny to wear at her funeral.

I can't do this.

But I can and I will.  I'm the strong one.

The quiet one......the one that you can count on.  The one that always does the right thing and always knows what to do.  Good, strong, dependable Jill.  My hands are shaking and I'm begging the Lord to give me control, to help me keep my self together so that I can do what I have to do to.

I can't lose it now.....I have to get the rental car, wake up the kids, finish packing in a hurry.  So that I can get there, get to my mama who needs me.

I'm afraid these blog posts will annoy my friends.....but I don't know what to do with these emotions and I don't know what to say and I don't know how else to cope.  I've always journaled, always written my feelings down when I had no other way to express myself.  I hope that if they're annoyed, they just won't read and they'll be patient with me while I work my way through this.....because I don't know what else to do.

I just lost my Granny, the one who comes to mind when I hear the word family, because our family is more dysfunctional than any soap opera that they've ever played on TV.....and she's the one who gave me so much that I needed and I don't even know if she knew how much she gave me.  I don't know what I would have done without her in my life.

So very thankful of the gift of her......

416.  My ♥♥ Granny ♥♥

417.  Her ♥LOVE♥

........and for

418.  My mama

I have to stop crying.  Lord, please help me stop.  Please help me breathe.  Please make my hands stop shaking.  Please help me get myself together.

I have a lot to do.  I have to go help my mama.  I have to be strong.  For her.  Because I just lost my Granny........but she just lost her mama.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine.
When you pass through the waters, will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you."

~ Isaiah 43:1-2 ~

1 comment:

Natasha said...

You and your family will be in my prayers.