Singles Awareness Day???

‪#‎singlesawarenessday‬ ??? Whatever. I'm over here like, Happy Free to be Me Day!!! There's more than one source of love in my life....and in yours:: love God, love others...& embrace all the loves He's placed in your life!! ❤
❤

 Learn to love the life you're in RIGHT NOW....and you'll be stronger, happier & better prepared for what's to come.  Really...you will.  <3 ❤

Wonder Woman....is a Bear?!?!

Just made a quick pit stop at home before having to go pick up my football-player-in-training & found a box at my door.....look what it is!!! An early Valentines Day surprise!!!

I needed that surprise....and the laughs that accompany it....so much

Dressed to impress and ready to conquer the world!!!

She Always Gets Back Up.

Just because.  Life is hard.  Being a mom is hard.  Single mom-ness is hard.  REALLY hard.....and we never feel like we're doing enough, being enough, etc, etc, etc.

This.

When It Rains, The Party Goes On..

‪#‎tbt‬, because Ashlyn Pennington was just laughing over these pics & the memories yesterday....

Who says when it POURS the entire time during her brother's bday park party, that the party has to stop??

I'm a BAD mom. I let my kids play for hours in the rain (don't call DCF....there was no lightening ). AND I let them make forts in the woods. AND they carried big sticks. AND had boys vs girls planning/strategy meetings under the bridge.....And it remains in their memories as one of their most favorite parties ever.

Love my Sassafras girl!!! And a friendship that began just after birth & is still going strong!!

Take Your Best Guess

Never fails. 1st two words this mom hears from her 2 boys when she walks in the door after being gone for a few hours are :: "__'__ <insert space> __ __ __ __ __ __" ...

Take your best guess!!

Heart Rate Slowly Returning To Normal....

A 14.75 yr old boy, who sounds like and is as big as a man, and who thinks it's funny to sneak up on his unsuspecting mom while she's drying her hair & scare the living daylights out of her, needs to relearn what funny is. I think I may need a paramedic....or a firefighter might do. Isn't that who usually comes if you have to dial 911?? I like big trucks & I cannot lie.... wink emoticon

‪#‎ThatBoyAintRight‬. ‪#‎HeartRateSlowlyReturningToNormal‬

My Boys....

Oh, how I'm missed these boys!!!  It felt like they'd never let us out if the hospital so I could see them!!!!

My boys' hugs are awesome. And their smiles when they walk through the door and see me = Mama LOOOOVVVEEEE.  <3

Mama Love

My boys' hugs are awesome. And their smiles when they walk through the door and see me = Mama LOVE. heart emoticon heart emoticon

When Things Don't Go The Way You Planned.....

They finally started chemo at 1:13 am. (Saturday)....my sleeping beauty got up for just a few minutes around 8:00 to brush her teeth, etc.....and was doing ok, got back into bed and had her mama bring her an extra blanket, tuck her in tight with a kiss, and fell back to sleep.  And she sleeps on....

Looking at my calendar at things coming up.....Robert's 13th bday falls right in the middle of her 4th round of chemo.  UGH.  Gonna make the best of it just like Winnie the Pooh says.....but.....

DADGUMMIT.  :'(

*********************************************

SN: I gained much wisdom and love for Winnie the Pooh from an 18 book set of storybooks that I would read to my kids when they were small enough to sit in my lap.....and even when they weren't.  :)  Each book began with "Words of Wisdom" from Winnie the Pooh, and then a story to follow.  We had storytime every night before bed and they would come to me, with their little chubby selves and their cute little faces and excited little eyes.....and have not ONE, but two or three books each in their chubby little hands and often, I would read every single book they brought until I gave out.  ;)  Many times, there was one....or two or three... from our Winnie the Pooh set.  I read them so much, I memorized them.  They were the BEST books and I still quote them today!! ;)  And I still have them....in storage right now, but I think I will hold onto them forever.  I got rid of so many things over the course of two moves, but those books.....they're special.  <3  Smiling now as I think of silly names I've given to things and recipes, and of how many quotes & phrases I use, that came from those books...

My three would fight like crazy over who got to sit in my lap.  Usually one would get there first and greedily climb up and hold on tight so they didn't lose the most treasured seat in the house.  ;)  The other two would sit on each side of me, as close as they could get and they would often have to turn the pages for me because they were leaning in to me so closely that I couldn't move my arms.  And I would read until my throat hurt, with that one in my lap snuggled up tight....his or her head just under my chin, or right beside my face, depending on which one it was, and I could rest my head against their sweet smelling hair while I read.  Chubby little fingers pointing at their favorite pictures and swatting their siblings' hands out of the way.  Little legs wiggling and kicking with excitement when we got to their favorite part.  Mighty and indignant protests if I tried to skip sentences to shorten the story....they had them memorized, too...couldn't pull one over on them!!  Smiles and laughter when I would try, just to pick on them and hear their reactions when I did.  Ahhhhh.....sweet, sweet memories are even better than that good cup of coffee I posted about earlier, but they trigger tears in your eyes and an ache in your heart (and coffee doesn't do that). 

Do you ever think about your most favorite & treasured times and wish you could just go back....just for a little while....and be in those moments again??  For time to stand still while you just....BE STILL in those moments and wish they would go in super slow motion so that you can soak up every drop of them with all of your senses and find a place within you to hold those moments tight and keep them safe so that you never, ever lose them....and can go back to them anytime you want or need to??  Or is it just me and I'm the only one that's weird like that??  Maybe that's why I hold on to those books and always will..... 

"When things don't go the way you plan.....Make the best of it"!  ~ Winnie the Pooh

 

 

Words of Wisdom from Winnie the Pooh.  A very wise bear indeed.  I like him.  And I like that Tigger, too.  I think if you combined the two, you'd have ME.  ;)

 

 

 



Hospitals.  Lots of quiet.  Apparently good for writing.  And processing, filtering, organizing and working my way through the many thoughts battling each other in my head because of the quiet.

It helps. 

Make the best of it.  Any way you can.

"I Have To Believe" - Rita Springer

Checking In For Round 2....

After a morning of bloodwork & then taking my girl to lunch & killing time waiting for a room, we are all checked in for a 4 day stay at the Wolfson's Efficiency Inn & Suites (Wolfson's Children's Hospital)....

She’s been on IV fluids for several hours and  we're waiting for Chemo Round 2 to begin as I type.  I have to do something to distract myself....this room is TOO QUIET…..so I guess I’ll try to find words for the update so many have been asking for. {added after the fact:  this turned out longer than I expected.  Once I started, I just kept going ;) …..everybody’s got their ways of processing & my way is often in writing. Once I get started.   Read what ya want and leave the rest for someone else J }

Today's lunch was  one of the few things that has tasted GOOD to her.  We have gone through a progression:  Things have tasted metallic....or nothing tasted good and it all just came back up anyway, making her afraid to try to eat anything, to finally having success little by little with small amounts....grits was a hit for a few days.  Then a few backsteps to throwing up everything again....and finally, day after day an appetite returning.  But still , nothing tasted right.  Nothing had flavor.  Nothing tasted REALLY good.  Lunch today....she'd been wanting seafood and I was determined to let her have it before she went back in.....it was GOOD & tasted just like it was supposed to.  We stopped at a few places and it felt ALMOST normal, except that it wasn't and I kept listening for the phone call that would tell me to bring her to the hospital.  She's just started to feel better physically the past several days.  Not my normal Ashlyn and she tires easily, but much better than she was the first week and a half after beginning her first round.....emotionally is another matter altogether.  Driving back here was incredibly surreal....everything about this is surreal.  So completely not wanting to bring her back and make her do this again, and again, and again, and again, and again....and yet having no choice.   I wish God would just go ahead and let me do this for her already….I think I’m already feeling so much of what she is anyway.  I felt sicker and sicker the closer we got…..and sicker now still, just waiting for them to hook up the chemo.  And watching her smile and be sweet to the nurses, giggling at something one of them said….while I know what’s going on in her heart.  And it’s not smiles and giggles.  It’s FEAR.  And anger.  And sadness.  And every other emotion you could possibly imagine she might be feeling.  She’s good at that…..that smiling and being sweet to them….and acting like she’s ok with most people when she’s not.

Ohmygoodness, the multitude of things that flood my mind….one continuous, unending, relentless stream…..one thought after another, competing and fighting for attention and their place at the front….The nice guy who checked us into the hospital smiled as we walked in and immediately said, “You go to FBC, don’t you”?  “Yes, we do”, I replied as I gave him our last name.  He looked at his list of admissions and said, “this is Ashlyn”????  He brought us up to our room, talking the whole way.  I met him on his way going back down and he asked me things he didn’t want to ask in front of Ashlyn.  The last question he hesitated with & stammered around on, wondering about her stage, until I said it was ok….he could ask.  His initial facial expression when I told him….that he quickly tried to cover up,  made my heart skip a beat and made it hard to breathe.  And I smiled and finished the conversation, thanked him for helping me not get lost and for his prayers….and headed back to the garage to get more things from the car.  That garage.  It was far too quiet.  She was fine.  And so stinkin’ hot.  It was just supposed to be an infection.  Easily cleared up.  I walked to the farthest side where I had parked and kept trying to BREATHE.  Deep breaths that just still didn’t seem to give me enough air.  And I couldn’t get my heart to calm down…. Cancer.  Stage 4B in my mind.  She’s never been sick.  Nothing more than a common cold or virus.  It was just supposed to be an infection.  Easy peasy.   Get it cleared up and get on with things.  CANCER.  Stage 4B.  That chart….it only goes to 4C.  FEAR of what if.  That sick feeling that doesn’t go away.  And tears stinging my eyes as I kept walking, trying to breathe and those stupid thoughts….the worst ones kept fighting to be at the forefront.  And I walked….just keep putting one foot in front of the other…. and tried to find my car…something to focus my gaze on.  I wondered where all those OTHER thoughts that are usually there went and tried desperately to find them, to push away the ones that were doing this to me.   Lord knows I’ve got enough other stuff going on that I should be able to find something else to think about…..where’d all those thoughts go???

Funny how what is in reality only moments of time can seem to be neverending and to drag on forever.   And finally, there it was.  I fixed my gaze on the car.  Loaded myself down with everything in it so that I wouldn’t have to make another trip and headed back.  And I thanked HIM for the weight of those bags and blanket and pillows….the weight of carrying more than I should and the pain of several bag handles digging into both my hands & shoulders so that I thought they might fall off.  For the ache in my arms the longer I walked….it’s a long walk from the garage, through the hospital and up to our room.  ;)  With each step taken with that pain, the other pain lessened and the fear lost its grip on me.   And I thanked HIM.  I thanked HIM for never leaving me.  Not ever.

And I got back to the room, took one more deep breath and walked in, Ashlyn giggling at the sight of me loaded down and my silly reaction to my hands screaming at me in pain and then relief when I dropped the bags on the floor.  And I smiled and said how awesome it was that God put yet another person in our path….a guy from church to bring us in today, someone else to tell us he was praying for us.  Talked about how amazing it is that we can see so clearly His hand, guiding us through and how he’s putting so many in our paths, to encourage and love us through them.   And I started unpacking while we giggled and joked about the horrible and disgusting hospital mac & cheese {and everything else served up in here ;) }.  I told her she just didn’t like it because she was spoiled rotten with her mama’s cooking real food and GOOD food ;) , refusing to relent to her persistent “just try it….just ONE bite” while getting out her own blankets because the hospital ones aren’t good enough ;) , organizing all our things while she watched me.  Always watching me.    Always listening.   Always counting on me.   Always trusting me.

Trusting me.  My stomach somersaulted briefly and that fear prickled.  I have to do the right things for her.  I thought about how MUCH I love her, how I would give my life for her…. to save her from this….without a thought or the slightest hesitation.  And that as much as this hurts me and as much as I love her…..HE loves us more.  

????? 

HOW is that even possible???  He has used my kids to teach me more about HIM and His love for me than anything else in my life.   As I love them, He loves me….only better.  And more.  A love like that I can’t even begin to comprehend or understand.  But I can accept it…..and beg Him every day that my kids will, too.   And I pushed those tears away that threaten so often, silently thanking Him.   For giving them to me.  For loving me.  And I asked Him to please….don’t let me mess this Mom thing up. 

They’re my Romans 8:28.  They’re my biggest and best GOOD in the midst of so much that isn’t.

I can't mess this up.

I feel like nearly every breath, every prayer, in my life and on various subjects, begins and end with two words.  "Lord, please.....", with lots of other words thrown in the middle. 

This is just a little glimpse into my day...our day.... as I write and I ramble, trying to make the thoughts be quiet while just outside the window, the sound of cars coming and going over the bridge makes me wonder where all those people are going to, living their lives and doing their thing while we're sitting here in this hospital room, wishing we could go and do....anything else but this.  I wonder how people do THIS without the Lord.  And for those who know the Lord, I wonder what goes in the middle of their "Lord, pleases".   What goes into the middle of your "Lord pleases"??  

If you have a home and someone who loves you and who's there for you....and children who are healthy and happy....please make sure you throw some thank you's in there, too.  Because I'm sitting here waiting for a chemo that I hate to be pumped into my daughter, knowing that when she wakes up in the morning, she's not going to feel good.  And that in the days ahead, she'll feel even worse.  And that her smile that I got a glimpse of today might not make an appearance tomorrow.  And I hate it.  I hate chemo and what it does to her.  But I hate the alternative more.

Lord, please.  Let this work.  Please. 

Motherhood....

"Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest."

Debra Ginsberg

 

Yeah.  

THAT. 

Takin' A Ride In a Li'l Red Wagon...

Been trying for a week to take Ashlyn for a ride in a wagon, but she wld not consent.....she strangely doesn't always find my sense of humor & adventure as amusing as I do!!!

So I'm taking her tokens of love for a ride!!! We have covered all of garage level 3....I didn't park there!!! Let's see what level 2 has to offer us....

Poor kid...has ME takin' care of her...smh

Trip 2....the monkey doesn't get as much of an adventure, but he still made several people smile along the way....

One more should do it & then we'll keep waiting for discharge papers...

#PrayForAshlyn

"We Are The Reason" ~ Avalon

Haven't heard this song in forever!!! Still love it.....don't mind me, just having a li'l worship experience in the hospital room this morning.....& trying to pull a certain someone into it with me ;)

Moms. We can be so annoying. :P

‪#‎PrayForAshlyn‬

Let a Little More Sunshine In....

Ashlyn was not up for visitors again today :( , but that didn't stop a few friends from dropping some things off! :)

 

Do you remember my post about Ashlyn, her friend Laura, and their "BFF" that they made while volunteering at VBS last week??  This is a pic of the three of them (above).  Love all the pics she brought....and love me some Laura ♥

Her room is looking more & more cheerful!! And she likes the decorative effect, so I was sure to remind her to always remember :: Mama Knows Best!!! :P

AND....yes, I did hang that HUGE banner all by myself ~~ just call me ElastaGirl !! ;)

#PrayForAshlyn

Blessed ♥

Have my laptop in my lap....care to guess who typed that while sitting beside me, on my right???

And there's someone else that I've been missing like crazy on my left.

And sleeping beauty lies in front of me.....

One Blessed Mama Right Here ♥

The Guest Book...

During a visit the other day, someone suggested having people sign in as they come. The more I've thought abt it, the more I've thought what a great idea it was.....for Ashlyn to have a kind of "Guest Book", not just for this hospital stay but for the duration of her fight. A record of all those who love her & come to pay her a visit & spend time with her, to be able to look back on the days ...and see just one more way that she's not fighting alone. A visual reminder that God is with her in so many ways, using the Body of Christ to love, support & give her strength with each hug, smile, laugh, gift & card given, milkshake brought, movie shared.....& in the sometimes needed quiet moments, when someone cared enough just to sit and share the silence with her.

I just started it & I'm trying to fill in the days before today....and hoping I don't miss recording anyone!! The days....& my mind....get a little blurry sometimes!! Sigh.

Just look at all the sweet friends who would have come today. :( Hoping that she will start feeling better tomorrow & be up for more visits soon. ♥

#PrayForAshlyn 

Results and Stage Change....

Ashlyn has begun her first round of chemo. Each round will be a 4 day, inpatient process. We will be in the hospital through Tuesday, when this first round will be complete.

Bone scan showed 2 spots in her knees lit up & we had X-rays done today to determine why. It could be cancer....or not.

After all the tests/scan results....her stage has been upgraded to 4B.

#PrayForAshlyn

More tests....

Just had more blood drawn from Ashlyn for a test I've asked for that I'm praying to hear negative results on.

My heart is praying one way, but my mind has to brace myself & plan for what looks like may be the opposite. Not thankful for the suffering of others, but SOOO thankful for how God uses them & their experiences to help others in their time of need & makes connections at just the right time.

Praying for supernatural wisdom & discernment in the days ahead. My baby's counting on me....and we're both trusting in His leading...

Asking for y'all to do this for me ::
"For this reason we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding" Colossians 1:9.

 

 ‪#‎PrayForAshlyn‬

Another VBS Story....

Playing the waiting game while Ashlyn waits for her PET scan....& while I do, I have another VBS story to tell....this one is Jacob's. I can't share his sister's w/out sharing his. ;)

Before this latest crisis rocked our world like never before, we had already gone thru & were/are still going thru some TOUGH STUFF in other areas of life......and there was a boy last week that seemed to seek Jacob out, to want to hang out with h...im. During rec one day, they sat & the boy shared some things that he was dealing with in his family. Jacob then shared some of what we have been through, giving the boy someone he felt could understand and relate. Before the convo was over, this boy prayed to receive Christ. ♥

I have claimed many verses for me personally, but Romans 8:28 has been one that I have given my kids most often as I've tried to point out each and every example of God's goodness & provision, tried to tell them to hold on tight to Jesus because He will use them in ways He couldn't have before if they will let Him & give it all to Him ~~ the good, the bad & the ugly. None of these stories that I post are intended so that I can hear things like "you're a good mom" (I fail at that repeatedly & continually!!!!) or how sweet and great my kids are (although I wld agree with that one!!!). It's really not about us at all....it's about how GOOD He is, abt how much it blessed my heart to hear that they are starting to see these things for themselves....to see Romans 8:28 come alive for them & to see them feel that they CAN make a difference & ARE being used by Him. It's about nothing but the GOODNESS of God, abt seeing His hand at work.....making beauty from ashes & giving purpose in the midst of the pain. ♥

‪#‎GodIsGoodAllTheTime‬