Have Your Way

I'm sitting here in a house that was my haven, curled up with a blanket that I remember seeing laying on top of my Granny the last time I saw her.  In the dark, alone, and I can't stop crying.  In the living room, looking out the front window, through the sheer curtains, to the moonlit front yard beyond.  Looking at the massive, dark, shape of the magnolia tree....overgrown and luminous in the dark, its presence making all the other trees in the yard look like lightweights in comparison.  Sleep eludes me once again, and worn and weary doesn't even begin to describe me at the moment.  A dream woke me up, like so many times recently, and I can't find my way back to sleep again.  I wish I wasn't alone.....and know I'm not.  I never am......He is here with me, listening and reminding me of scriptures and Truths, but I wish someone, a person, was here with me.  One of the ways He loves us is through His people after all, and I wish someone was with me now, to hold my hand, to pray with me.....to just be a comforting presence.  But I'm here in the dark, on a couch I've sat on so many times before, with the shapes and forms of familiar furniture and household things keeping me company, crying tears as quietly as I can.

And thinking, thinking, thinking......thinking through dreams and so many things that crowd and clutter my head and burden my heart.  He hears all my thoughts, because in all that thinking, I'm talking to Him......and I know that He sees each and every tear.  The phrase of Him collecting them all in a bottle keeps going through my head, as that phrase has kept popping up here and there recently, seeing and reading it so many times.

Thinking about all the things I've said to Him the past few months.  Conversations I've had with God, whispered prayers, pleas and cries  that go something like this:

 I don't want his, Lord....please make it stop. Please take it from me. 

  I am here. 

 I know You're here, but I don't want this, Lord. I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to think about this anymore. I want to laugh and giggle and smile and be silly. I want to go and do.....and serve....and be happy. I have so much to be happy about. Please, please take it. 

 I am here. 

 Why aren't you listening??? Please take this....all of it. I don't want it. I don't have time for this, don't have time to feel this way. I have no right to feel this way. Are you even listening??? 

 I am here. Right here, with you. 

You're not listening.  Why aren't you listening???  I am no good to You this way.  No good to my family.  No good to my friends.  What is the point of this??  Please, please, please......take it.

I am here.  I am listening.  I have not left you.

Sigh.  I don't know what to do, Lord.  I don't know why You're not taking it.  What am I doing wrong?  I can't keep feeling this way, can't keep going with all of this inside of me.

You don't have to.

Don't You understand how much this hurts??  That I can't even speak the words, that I can't even find them when people ask me what's wrong?? I keep trying to give it to You.  I can barely even pray.  I pray the same thing over and over and over again......when I can even manage to get the words out.  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???  

Write.  I didn't show you how to do it for nothing.  

I have.  I have journaled.  Or I have tried to.  I have tried to write, tried to channel my thoughts and feelings, tried to do something with it.

Privately.  Who told you to make it private?

Ummmmmm, NO.  That's not what I put so much work into my blog for.  NO.  No one wants to hear my story or listen to me whine.  NO.

I've never told my story before......only to a select few.  A very select few.  I don't like to go there, don't like to go back.  Going back is uncomfortable.  It hurts.  I can tell you about when I was saved.  I can tell you details about my life after my salvation.  But I don't go back.  I've never seen the point, never been willing to go there........and dread and avoid situations in Christian circles where they want you to tell your testimony.  I begin with my salvation and move forward.....and people look at me like, that's it??  Yes.....that's it.  Nothing here to tell.  Nothing exciting or dramatic in comparison to some.  Move on now.  It's always made me so very uncomfortable.  I just don't go there.  I change the subject.  Or find something to laugh at.  Or ask someone a question that shifts the focus off of me and gets them talking about something else.  Anything else.  I hate to have the focus on me.

Although I'm trying with all my might, I'm not being very successful at talking Him into taking this from me, at pushing, pushing, pushing it away.  At least one thing is clear.  There's something I'm supposed to do with it.  Because if He has me here in this place, for this long, and He won't take it from me, there must be a reason. A reason and a purpose and an outcome I can't see.

Last year was the worst year I can remember having and I can't have another year like that one.   I don't want to be here, but I am......and it hurts in way, it hurts so deeply, that I don't know if I could ever find the adequate words to describe it. But I have faith that He will bring me through it, that He will help me find my place of rest.....and just like so many times before.....just like when I look back on those memories I push away because they hurt too much and yet can see through the pain how He worked it all out for good.....I know that He will work this for good, too.

And if I have to be here despite my best efforts not to be, then I want Him to use it. Even if it means saying yes and exposing more of myself than I am comfortable with in a way I've fought so long and hard not to.

Maybe, like me, you don't know exactly how you got where you are.  Maybe life was already making you a little weary and the weariness of life and current day worries and stresses collided with events that shook your world during one summer in a way that left you reeling......that collision bringing with it memories that assaulted you with a breathtaking, gut-wrenching pain you didn't know existed.  Memories that caused feelings to surface that you thought had long ago been settled....bringing forth emotions that you didn't even know were there within you, just waiting to be excavated and brought to the surface.  And well-meaning people look at you curiously and ask what's wrong & those who know a little tell you not to lose your faith and to pray and to give it to the Lord......and you look at them and tell them you'll be fine, that you're just going through a stressful time.  You smile and say "thank you" and you want to get them to see that you haven't lost your faith at all.  That you have been praying.  Not the long, intense, deep and eloquent prayers that used to come easily, but the broken, fragmented cries of the heart, the constant wonderings and ponderings and pleas, the praying you pray from your soul all day long without ceasing, broken fragments and uneloquent at times, but constant all the same.  You want them to understand that you haven't lost your faith......that it is clinging to your faith that is all that is getting you through.  Maybe you've started wondering if something is wrong with you, if you've done something wrong and there's something you need to make right with the Lord and then it will all go away.  And you search your heart, each and every part, looking for what it could be.....and you feel so very confused and alone.  Maybe you need to know that you're not alone, that you're not the only one who has ever felt this way......and that there's nothing wrong with your faith.  That you can have a rock-solid, unwavering faith and still feel the way you do.....but it's just what you're walking through.  And what you're walking through is not who you are.  I have a precious friend that has reminded me of that more than once.  (Thank you).

Maybe it's time for me to stop fighting, stop arguing and reasoning with the Lord and pushing it all away when He's obviously not wanting me to yet. Maybe it's time to allow myself the right to feel the pain that I feel and stop telling myself I don't have a right to it  because my story is not as dramatic and traumatic as some.  To allow myself the right to cry and feel it and stop using my genuine and overwhelming thankfulness for what He has done for me, for what could have been but wasn't because He spared me, as justification for my conviction that I don't have a right to feel this way, don't have a right to the level of hurt that I feel.  Maybe it's time for me to tell my story in the way that I know best....to write....because pushing it away isn't working very well and I've got to do something with these thoughts and feelings that plague me.

Maybe, just maybe, there's healing in the telling, and the hope of healing is enough to make me surrender. I don't understand, but......

 I'm ready to let Him have His way.


(You can disable/mute the auto music player at the bottom of the page so as not to interfere with the video.)

                                                               

Worn, Weary....and in Need of Rest

I'm so very tired, and yet I'm awake. I sleepwalk through most days, sure that I'll collapse into bed each night and sleep blissful sleep......like, the whole night long.

I can't remember the last time I actually did that. Why do the thoughts & memories & hurts that I keep giving to the Lord continue to come back to haunt me? This is the question I'm asking of Him tonight as I lay awake, tossing this way and that, trying to push the thoughts from my mind until I can't take it anymore.....and I find myself here. I had let this go.....had let my domain renewal lapse, determining to let this part of me that can put the things I'm thinking and feeling into written words when I can't find the adequate words to speak....go. I had determined I was done here. No words left. Or maybe, in the middle of the night when I can't sleep yet again, there are some left after all.

I've asked the same question so many times over the past year....."Why do the thoughts & memories & hurts that I keep giving to You continue to come back to haunt me?"  I ask again and again, I give it all to Him again and again.....and find it right back in my lap before I know what has hit me or what I have done to put it back there. I just want to REST.  Sweet, peaceful, contented......Rest. I pray for Rest for my body.....and soul, the kind of rest that I haven't had in what seems like such a very long time. I beg for it desperately and can't seem to find it, and wonder, wonder, wonder....what I'm doing wrong.

I honestly don't know.

I know that I'm tired.  Worn out.  And I'm tired of being tired and word out. There's a big part of me that's broken.  And I desperately need Him to fix it.  Desperate enough to post this post, or maybe just so tired in the middle of the night that I'm delirious & I've lost good judgement and common sense.  Desperate enough to be blatantly transparent and to ask for prayer.   I'll probably regret it in the morning. ;)

I'm leaving tomorrow (or actually, today)  to take a weekend trip that I'm dreading so completely. I don't want to go. I have to be strong and do the right thing and I have to go, but I feel so weary. Never in my life have I felt such weariness and after an emotional week, I'm afraid I can't handle it.  I'm afraid I can't be strong enough and hold back the tears and emotions for those I want to be strong for.

I know His peace and the Rest I pray for will come in His perfect timing.

Please, Lord, let it be soon.  I'm ready.

(You can disable/mute the auto music player at the bottom of the page so as not to interfere with the video.)
 

Multitudes on Mondays....Gifts 388 - 415

“One of life's gifts is that each of us, no matter how tired and downtrodden, finds reasons for thankfulness: for the crops carried in from the fields and the grapes from the vineyard.”

~ J. Robert Moskin

Getting back to my list......not that I ever stopped making one.....just haven't been posting it. :)

388.  Summertime.....sweet Summertime, and all the gifts that come with it

389.  Sweet Georgia peaches.....are manna from Heaven ;)

390.  Watermelon.....I like it more than a little ;)

391.  Vitamin D Beach Therapy....of which I cannot seem to get enough of this year ~ I'm craving it the way I used to crave chocolate

392.  Living in the Sunshine State.....which makes feeding that craving a reality on a regular basis

393.  Grab a hair band, tie that hair up & throw on your bathing suit kind of days

394.  Those stretch marks that get more noticeable the more time I spend in the sun, not because they look so lovely, but because of...

395. The three precious gifts that are the reason they're there ♥

396.  Friends who go with me, and who make me.....

397.  Laugh, and who....

398.  Talk with me,

399.  Act silly with me, 

400.  Encourage me, and

401.  Put a smile not only on my face,

402.  But in my heart as well ♥

403.  Little mementos that remind me of their friendship, like.... 

404.  Shark's teeth, given to me after I whined that I never find them although I search intently when other people randomly look down and pick them up....followed by my friend randomly looking down and finding not one, but two { "Here", she said.  "Just pretend you found them!  I won't tell anyone you didn't!"  ;) }

405.  Time for things like those beach dates, and....

406.  Lunch dates,

407.  Shopping dates (even if no actual shopping gets done!),

408.  Play dates, and

409.  Dinner dates

410.  Time for things  like afternoon movies curled up on the couch,

411.  Sleeping in a little later,

412.  Moving a little slower,

413.  Breathing a little easier, and

414.  Savoring every memory, every moment.....because our days from Aug. - May go by  too rushed, too hurried, too busily, too frantically,  and....

415.  Days like these truly are something to be treasured ♥.....I'm quite sure of it! ;)

♪ Oh Soul, Are You Weary and Troubled....♪

Wife-ing.  Mom-ing.  Meal Planning.  Couponing.  Grocery Shopping.  Cooking.  Baking.  Cleaning.  Cleaning.  Cleaning.  Referee-ing.  Teaching.  Studying.  Learning.  Working.  Budgeting.  Paying.  Homeschooling.  Planning.  Field Tripping.  Driving.  Churching.  Taxi-ing.  Churching.  Choir-ing.  Children's, Middle School, and Adult (<--- selfishly).  Serving.  Cooking.  Baking.  Cleaning.  Cleaning.  Cleaning.  Undone household projects.  Waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting  (Grrrrrr). Sewing.  Teaching sewing. Teaching sewing some more.  Bookkeeping. Shopping.  Hair Cutting.  Phone calling.  Emailing.  Networking.  Working.  Sweeping.  Vacuuming.  PET HAIR.  Party planning.  Cleaning.  Cleaning.  Party Attending.  Blogging.  Reading. Working more. Grooming.  Them & myself.  Cooking.  Cleaning.  Sewing.  Sewing.  Sewing.  And more sewing.

"Mom, can you?", "Mom can I?", "Mom, can we?", "Jill, can you?"  "could you?", "would you?".

Sigh.

Ummmmm, Really???

I completely get the idea behind this little catchphrase, but admit I wonder at the person who came up with it. I don't think this person has much in common with me.  ; )  

I also think that this phrase could make some people feel very guilty for being, well.......REAL.  And NORMAL.

Am I blessed?  Without a doubt.

Beyond Measure.

Am I thankful?  Absolutely.

Every day.  

Am I stressed?  Do I sometimes feel so overwhelmed that I can't focus and I think if I don't get a break somewhere, somehow, that the men in white coats will surely come haul me away?

I've instructed my children that if this ever does actually happen, they are required by law to come and visit me.  ; )

I am BLESSED.  In more ways than my tiny little overworked and underpaid ; ) brain can even begin to fathom.  I have the three most incredible children ever created {I know....you think yours are...sorry to burst your bubble ; ) }, I have love, I have awesomely fabulous friends, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, ♥music♥ to sing, ♥homeschooling♥, pets to pet, and work I can do from home using talents that He so graciously gave to me so that I can stay at home.

But to be honest, to be REAL.....with many wonderful blessings come stress.  There are things I do because I want to and things I do because I have to.  I haven't figured out how to let any of those things go at this season of my life, because for the most part.....they are dependent on each other.

And so I strive for balance.  And on those days when I can actually hear the men in white coats coming down the street because balance is nowhere in sight......I realize that in all the busy-ness, in all the chaos of life,  my focus has shifted from the One who gives me the strength to be all He's called me to be in this season to the things He's called me to.

I know I'm not the only one out there juggling so many balls in life right now that they're often tripping all over the ones that have fallen around them.  I know I'm not the only one who gets weary and overwhelmed........and when my eyes are focused on the things, the impossible list of tasks and responsibilities that I cannot fulfill in my own strength, I know that I forgot to give them to the One who gives me the strength in the first place.

Or, more accurately....I did give them to Him, but then I took them back.  Why do I do that?!  Sometimes I wonder why He doesn't stop accepting my apologies and just give up on me....but I'm thankful that He doesn't.

I'm thankful that He never fails to feed my hungry soul in so many ways despite the fact that I don't deserve it. When I seek Him, when I spend time in His Word and in prayer, when I keep the Main Thing the Main Thing,  I find that everything still doesn't get done every day.  The difference is.....I have peace, I have something resembling balance, and I find that all those balls on the floor and the ones still in the air don't seem so overwhelming.

And amazingly enough, He feeds my soul even when I push that time with Him right out of my schedule.  He feeds me with a song I needed to hear at just the right time, with friends who make my day with an unexpected surprise, email or text.  He feeds my soul with hugs and kisses and "You're the best mom ever" (even though I'm not)!  He sends His sustaining love to me in so many ways..............and to you, too.  

You just have to learn to see it. 

In the darkest of the darkest days, in the moments when there seems to be no end and you just have nothing left to give (you've been there, I know you have), turn to Him.  He's been there the whole time.  Lovingly waiting to give your soul what it so desperately needs, and for you to give back to Him whatever it is you keep taking out of His hands.

And unlike us, He can handle it......and begin to show us that we are, in the midst of this crazy, chaotic, stressful  life......

BLESSED.  Abundantly and indescribably so.

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

♪ Oh soul are you weary and troubled?

No light in the darkness you see?

There's light for a look at the Saviour,

And life more abundant and free.

Refrain

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, 

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, 

In the light of His Glory and Grace.

Through death into life everlasting

He passed, and we follow Him there;

Over us sin no more hath dominion -

For more than conquerors we are!

Refrain

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, 

Look full in His wonderful face, 

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, 

In the light of His Glory and Grace.

His Word shall not fail you - He promised;

Believe Him, and all will be well;

Then go to a world that is dying,

His perfect salvation to tell.

Refrain

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, 

Look full in His wonderful face, 

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, 

In the light of His Glory and Grace. ♪

Isaiah 40:28-31

New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁸ Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD,       The Creator of the ends of the earth,  Neither faints nor is weary.  His understanding is unsearchable. ²⁹ He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength. ³⁰ Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall, ³¹ But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles,       They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.
















This One's Personal.....

Last week, I posted a new Sweet Diva music tote (and am not linking to it because that's not really what this post is about) and showed several other embroidery options.  I mentioned that I really liked them all and that it was hard to choose which one I would do first.  While there is some truth to that (I did mull over it for several minutes), it actually wasn't that hard.  The one I chose was this:

Have you ever taken a Spiritual Gifts test?  

"Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; ⁷ or ministry, let us use it in ourministering; he who teaches, in teaching; ⁸ he who exhorts, in exhortation; he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness."

Romans 12: 6-8

We all have them, and if you don't know what yours is, I highly encourage you to do some exploration and find out!  

Mine is Mercy.  I have often joked that it sometimes feels like a curse {not really....I am thankful for who I am and how I am.....and how He will be faithful to continually shape and mold me when my heart is willing}.

Spiritual Gift of Mercy Defined

The gift of mercy is the capacity to feel and express unusual compassion and sympathy for those in difficult or crisis situations and provide them with the necessary help and support to see them through tough times.

People with the Gift of Mercy

They have the ability to "walk in another's shoes" and to feel the pain and burdens they carry. They desire to make a difference in the lives of hurting people without being judgmental. They may have a difficult time evaluating the intentions of others and at times appear naïve.

Mercy in Scripture

Jesus taught on mercy (Matt. 5:7; 9:13; 23:23). He is repeatedly described as having compassion (Matt. 9:36; 15:32; 23:37; Luke 7:13) and was so filled with mercy that He sometimes wept (John 11:35). Jesus' mercy included an attentiveness to and concern for children (Matt. 19:14). Dorcas "was always doing good and helping the poor" (Acts 9:36). Also, the good Samaritan is one of the most classic stories ever told on the subject of mercy (Luke 10:30-37).

Do You Have This Gift?

• Do you find yourself being drawn to people who are needy, hurting, sick, disabled, or elderly?
• Do you often think of ways to minister to those who are suffering?
• Do you sense a great deal of compassion for people having personal and emotional problems?
• Do you find that when you visit those who are suffering it brings you joy rather than depressing you?
• Do you find yourself responding to people more out of compassion than judgment?

~borrowed from The Resurgence, because they describe it perfectly!

This gift of Mercy has me in it's grip right now, as I participate in the 40 Days for Life Campaign.  My heart literally aches, my soul hurts......and not just for the smallest lives that are at the mercy of choices made by others, but for the girls, the women, that are making choices that will place a burden on their own souls for the rest of their lives.

I know this is true, and although I know that I would care passionately about this issue anyway, I know that it grips me with a vice-like hold because it's not just an "issue" for me.....it's personal.

Someone that was once close to me made this choice long ago, or perhaps the choice was not really hers.  I was young, and although it's not talked about, I remember.  Because I was young, I think some think I have forgotten.

I have not forgotten, and I have watched from afar as this person that I love dearly has run from God, blamed God, and hurt daily.  Hurt from and for many things I am sure, but I know that this has to be one thing that has never let her go......and I literally ache for her.

As I stood last Friday watching girls walk into a clinic about to make that same choice, I could picture that someone and wanted to stop them, wanted to help them.....wanted to do something.  I wanted to whisk them away to another local clinic, one that could offer the support and help they really need, and find the One that they need the most.

And so I pray.  And I fast.  For 40 Days.  And as my heart aches, it aches for her.  The one that's close to me.  The one I love.  I pray for her, I ache for her.....I cry for her.  I cry and beg the Lord to reach her.......to show her that His Mercy forgives all, that His blood covers all, that His love heals all.

I beg Him to show her that He cares.  And forgives.  And that there's nothing that we can do that is beyond His realm of healing.

 I pray for her to experience this Truth.  This Truth that drowns out all of Satan's lies.  This Truth, this Gift that can reunite her with that precious life one day, if she will only take it.

And if the one I love, I hurt for,  I pray for, and can't stop thinking of  happens to read this...... I want you to know that His Healing is available to you.  I beg you to let go of all that hurts you from the past and take it.

The ensemble I serve in sang this song this past Sunday.  I sang it for you.  There is nothing that can keep you from His love, if you will only receive it and seek His song of Salvation......there is little that would bring me more joy than to see you stand by His Grace.

 "Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~ Romans 8:37-38



40 Days for Life

Sept. 28 - Nov. 6

"If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land." 

~ 2 Chronicles 7:14

I've been trying to slowly get back on schedule with my blog posts (really, I have!) for several weeks, and get back on schedule with two of my favorite link-ups at Mom's Mustard Seeds and Faith Barista.  The fall-out of being involved in so many activities, taking trips right before our school year began, school actually beginning, trying to put ideas for Sweet Diva (blog, store, classes) into action and schedule new sewing classes among scheduling my own children's extra-curricular activities has made my brain feel like the ball being thrown furiously about in a pinball machine!

I heard about the 40 Days for Life organization a while back and have been wanting to participate in the next campaign since.  I almost missed it, but thankfully, through a friend's Facebook post, I didn't. =)

There are few issues that I feel as passionately about than abortion and the sanctity of human life.  So passionately, in fact, that I find it hard to discuss or debate about in person because my emotions get the better of me and I end up sounding like a bumbling idiot! ; ) I think I might sound like a bumbling idiot more often than just on passionate issues =), but there's something about writing that allows me to express myself in the way I intend....and find that it has become an outlet that helps the quiet, shy side of myself ~ who is often intimidated at putting myself in the spotlight ~ find my voice.

Today, I begin participating in a commitment to prayer and fasting ~ taking action for those who cannot defend themselves, taking action Biblically and peacefully to make a difference in the fight for LIFE.  What better issue to bring me out of my fog and get my blog back on track?

I have always been passionate about this fight, but once God took me from a young woman who wasn't sure she would have children (fear and insecurity over my abilities be a good mother) to a calling that has so blessed and consumed my heart and soul, the fight became even more personal.  I love being a Mom, I love children......and what our society & culture is doing breaks my heart.

As I begin this 40 day journey, I am prepared for a closer walk with my Lord and call on His name for change and protection for His weakest, most fragile little ones that are at the mercy of those whose actions can take their precious lives.  It's not too late to join me, even if you're reading this after the official journey has begun......jump in when you can.  The sincere efforts and prayers of God's people are not limited to our program dates and times and will not return void.  

Let me know if you do join our vigil.  I'd love to encourage you!



Is Anybody Still With Me????

I know......I disappeared.

I've been tired (exhausted).  Sick.  Tired.  Busy.  Tired.  Overwhelmed.  Tired.

Do you see a trend here? ; )

I've logged on to Blogger many times.  And stared at the screen wanting to post, but what do you post when the words won't come?

You don't.  Or, I don't.

You stare at the screen, you read some posts from your favorite blogs, and you stare at that blank screen some more.......and then, you log off.  Because you can't bring yourself to post when there's no inspiration ~~ or, maybe there is, but it's behind a closed door......waiting for healing, for a rested and rejuvenated spirit, for the fog to lift so that the words that are there can find their way to your fingertips again.

Perhaps the fog is clearing a little, because here I am.  Perhaps the door has been unlocked, but it's not completely open.

Today, we're headed for a day in the country.  Or, as close as we can get.  A day ahead to spend with the ♥sweetest♥ kind of ♥friends♥........my favorite ones.  The ones that just "get" you without even trying, the ones that you don't have to explain yourself to because their hearts are so much like yours.  A day of fresh air, sunshine, laughter and fun.  A day of breathing deeply & enjoying wide, open spaces......of watching my kids hang out with their favorite friends, too, and delighting in their freedom to run, play, and be loud and rambunctious without fear of disturbing neighbors whose houses are too close and ears too sensitive to the noise that healthy kids make.

A cake is baked.  Picnic packed.  And three kids whom I adore are anxiously asking, "Mom, can we leave soon?!  We don't want to be late!!"

Mom doesn't want to be late, either.

Just wanted to slip you a note under that door......to let you know I didn't disappear for good. ; )

Claiming this verse this week, because I know the promises in His Word to be true, and rest my weary soul in the rejuvenating comfort of His love and grace:

"For I have satiated the weary soul, and I have replenished every languishing and sorrowful soul.” 

Jeremiah 36:25

Radical Faith - Luke 9:23

"Then He said to them all, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. "

~ Luke 9:23

As you read this, I am counseling (and having lots of fun) with our Middle Schoolers from my church at our annual summer camp.  This "Radical Faith" event is why you may have noticed less activity (posting) here at Sweet Diva the past two weeks as I've been preparing for my cabin of 12 girls!!

Praying for those sweet girls as well as all the others who will attend, the counselors and all others involved.....but especially for the girl who may attend with more brokenness and hurt inside than her friends would ever guess.  Praying that she will hear His call to her and accept the salvation He offers.....that she will open her heart to Him, let His love be a salve to her wounds, and let the Master Potter mold and shape her into a Masterpiece of His making,  displaying His Amazing Grace.

Because 23 years ago, that girl was ME. 

I was the girl struggling with things no one would suspect, a heart dangerously close to choosing a path that would have led to destruction.  I was the girl certain she was worthless, filled with brokenness and anger at a family out of control......who still seeks healing for hurts and scars that very few know about. 

And I know first-hand what He can do for a heart that cries out to Him.  I know firsthand how healing His love really is, how He overcomes statistics and gives a life so full and blessed, so much more than I deserve, when a heart seeks Him daily with faith that is radical and extreme......not because I'm so spiritual, so good, so holier-than-thou.........but because I need Him.  His love is my One constant in a world and in relationships that are anything but.  I will never cease to be thankful for what He has done for me.  ♥


♫ He touched me, Oh He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul! Something happened and now I know, He touched me and made me whole. Since I met this blessed Savior, Since He cleansed and made me whole, I will never cease to praise Him, I'll shout it while eternity rolls. He touched me, Oh He touched me, And oh the joy that floods my soul! Something happened and now I know He touched me and made me whole.

Please pray with me for our camp.....and the lives that can be changed forever ~ for His Glory. ♥



Behind Every Mom is a Real Person....

.....a person with talents, hopes, dreams, opinions, interests, ideas and desires that reveal the individual she is beyond the title she has willingly and wholeheartedly accepted, embraced and is known most by:.... ♥ MOM ♥.

While purging my home of items and clutter that gathers throughout the years, from behind the headboard in my bedroom I pulled out some college project boards that instantly threw me back to another time, another place, and a slightly different ~ and yet, in some ways still the same ~ person.  The person I was when newly married and before my name was changed to ♥ Mom ♥. 

I was in college for Interior Design after several years of floating around, unsure of what I wanted to do with myself.  I first had the inclination towards a Design degree in high school, but was discouraged by a cocky, chauvinistic Chemistry teacher who told me it  wasn't the best choice for me.....perhaps a decorator would be better.  He had me pegged as less intelligent than I was ....and having a less-than-healthy-self-image, I listened to him.  After studying in Elementary Education for a while, I took some time off and returned a couple of years later to pursue that Interior Design degree through the encouragement of a good friend.  Surprisingly enough, I excelled in not only the "decorating part", but also the too-difficult-for-me design aspect of the courses as well as the presentations (another source of discouragement from others because shy, quiet people don't do well at that).

Whatever. ; ) 

When I pulled the evidence of that part of my life out from hiding, I hastily took some pictures of the boards, planning to throw them out as they are no longer in the best condition, but wanting to preserve the memories still.  You can tell how hastily I took them....I'm sure you're quite impressed with the wrinkled sheet background {I had my comforter in the washing machine ; ) }.

Project:  "The Jungle Room" - I had to design a restaurant =)

 The floorplan & seating plan, created to meet all commercial codes/requirements:

Interior Wall Elevation:

Lighting plan:



Fabrics & Finishes:

Project ~ A Bedroom:

They've been moved quite a few times over the year, and haven't necessarily fared well

Project ~  A Fancy Bathroom ; )

Project ~  A Dining Room:

This one was in such bad shape, I only salvaged a very wrinkled elevation....



Project ~ A Kitchen

Again, all I could salvage was one elevation...

After taking the photos, I hauled them downstairs and told my kids to come see them before I threw them out.  As I explained what they were and all that went into each project, they rewarded me with exclamations of, "You drew that?!",  "You did all that?!", "That must have been really hard",  "You can do everything",  "You are so smart", "You can draw really well!" and "You can't throw these away"!!  =)  They are my most enthusiastic encouragers. ♥  They may have earned a batch of cookies. ; )

Just as looking at these old projects took me back to that time in my history, they also caused me to think about all the things I dreamed of being as I grew up ~ in order, as I can remember them.....

• A princess =)
• A bride
• Florence Nightingale
• Wonder Woman {I can still hear the theme song ; ) }
• an artist
• a singer
• a writer
• NOT a bride {an independent teen ;) }
• a teacher
• an Interior Designer
• an artist
• a writer
• a teacher
• an Interior Designer
• a Caterer

I got married somewhere in between the last three, and then I became a ♥Mom♥.  I wasn't prepared for how the Lord would change me through that one additional description to all that is ME.  There was a time when I was sure I didn't even want children.  I was convinced I wouldn't be a good mom...... wouldn't, couldn't be good at it.  Family issues may have had something to do with that, plus I had other things I wanted to do.  I was going to have a career in commercial interior design, financial security, and success. And then, along came Ashlyn.....who will be 13 next month!

Ahhh, how the Lord has used her and her brothers, who came along not far behind, to grow me in a way I can't imagine having grown otherwise.  How He has used them to show me all I can be IN HIM.  How He has taken the dreams that I once had and, once surrendered to Him and His direction for my life, how He has molded them into something entirely different, entirely fulfilling, and taken me to a place that is entirely at peace with who I am.

The world tends to look at Moms who give themselves so fully to their calling as lives and potentials wasted, talents squandered.  I know this to be true as I've heard it and felt it along the way. 

I beg to disagree. =)  Moms who give themselves fully to their families do not cease to be who they once were.  How shallow and one dimensional someone's thought processes must be to come to that conclusion.  They don't cease to be who they once were, but become that and so much more.....if you take the time to look.  It's always worthwhile to do so. ; )

As I look at that list above and the dreams I once had, I see that God has not taken those dreams and desires away from me.  I am many of those things in all the hats I wear.  I am also Wife.  Mother.  Community and Church Volunteer. 

Homechooler.  I've felt called to it since my children's earliest years.  Did I dream of it long ago?  No.  Was I open to the dreams He had for me?  Yes.  Did I (and do I now) feel worthy, capable, smart enough, patient enough? No. But called.....yes. =) I don't know how those who don't feel called to it do it! I was once talking to a friend about it, and other issues in my life......about not feeling like I could meet the challenges the Lord has set before me. She said something similar to this.....paraphrased by my and the years that have passed since she said it, "God doesn't call the most qualified ~ He calls those with willing hearts." With a willing heart and that key ingredient ~LOVE~ He will more than make up the differences that we imagine are there!

How rich and rewarding, how full and meaningful He has made what I have given to Him.  I surrendered my dreams ~ and He has made something more beautiful of my life that I ever could have alone.